Ah, good day.  Did nothing of importance in every single class.  In orchestra, we did a run-though of our music and had free time for the rest of it.  So, I just went to the band room and talked to Brennen, Alex, and Ann for 10 minutes or so.  2nd AP Gov.. hehe we did a mock trial.  It was fun!  I played the plaintiff who was this kid who made a “disruptive” speech and offended the school.  The school suspended her and so she sued, saying it was a violation of the First Amendment.  ‘Twas fun being the bad girl!  lol.  But I lost; oh well.  Econ.. just read a newspaper and got extra credit.  AP lit was the “coffee house” which was pretty cool.  Lots of sweets, coffee, hot chocolate, and poetry!  hehe.  During lunch, Logy made me a “recom^{x 2}ended” movie list.  lol.  I shall rent Donnie Darko this spring.  Yeah yeah, still haven’t seen it.  I know…  Math was… good as always.    ahem.  Aaand french was just a movie.  Band was just a run-through.  Yay for my day!

I need to get a new theme for this.. Logy’s attempting to help me find something cool, but his idea and my idea of cool are nooot quite the same lol.  I shall spend the rest of today looking through blog websites.  *sigh*  I have a feeling I’m never going to find what I want.  I want something that looks like it’s a hand-written diary with pictures and flowers drawn in pen and stuff like that.  SO if you find it, gimme!    Until then, so long.  OH and yaaay happy spring break yaaay yay!  yay yay yay!  yaaaaay!  “wee-hoo!”  yaa–*trips*…

“Not like I want to see you…”  -  anonymous hehehe

Teehee… I have a secret!  lol, well okay, not a a secret anymore.  Let’s just say I found a reason to like math class now lol.    And as a side note, y’all should get a facebook.  It’s just this giant profile… aand it’s quite popular.  No online journal, so you can still keep xanga!  Yes yes.  Not that I ever write much of any significance anyway.  Hm let’s see.  Nimo is cute!  …lol.  She finally figured out today how to go under the door to get to the rest of the house.  I found her in my room trying to eat my shag carpet.  (That’s right – shag.)  I want shag carpet in the basement of my dream house someday.  I figure.. okay.. so I won’t be able to afford all of everything I want.. but I can downsize and get a miniature, cheaper replica of it all.  Hmm… I shall paste my future dream house description.  I just have to find it in trillian history somewhere…  lemme know what you think!! 

I haven’t really decided what it would be made of.   .. cement?  lol.  stucco maybe… not bricks i don’t think.  probably stucco.  or limestone! white… or off-white.  and there would be this center part… where it’s circular and sticking out… a big rounded driveway coming up to it… and the other parts of the house would be just.. rectangle-ish or whatever.  normal.  it’d have LOTS of biiig windows… flat roof… different sections and all… two stories… a taaaalll ceiling in the entrance… some sort of black rock tiles in the entrance… with black glass statues of sitting dobermen on either side of the door… a biiiig slightly curved to the right (either that or like in “Gone with the Wind”)… staircase… stairs made of glass… if i have handles, then they’ll be black iron… yeah i think i want railings.  aaand i’ll have a tall-ceilinged (lol, yay made up words!) great room… with leather couches… white, black, grey, browns.. some colorful pillows with colorful accesssories about the room.. glass-topped coffee table… modern ones decor… some modern paintings.. Dali!!!  a nice rug… modern, large fireplace with black marble surrounding it…. kitchen will be modern with silver appliances… can’t decide what kind of cabinets.  I don’t think i want any wood in my house, or at least very little… i’d probably have really light, expensive wood… either that or cherry wood… light grey granite countertop… modern decor again of course.. umm every room will be modern lol.  and like that.  the kitchen will be more colorful, though.  same with the dining area.  same color as the wood in the cabinets… glass or light grey granite top… umm…. bathrooms will be marble/mecca topped… brushed silver faucets… huge open stand up shower… really see-through   black toilet… I think white sink.  or maybe black…. too much black.  my bedroom will be quite similar to mine now… other will have more color… kind of an arabian look would be cool.  and egyptian… hehe yes.  i’ll have a touch of those looks throughout my house… a head of nephrodite somewhere… a border of carved egyptian heiroglyphics in the hallway upstairs would be reeally cool… and I’d have a huge black grand piano downstairs… or upstairs in that circular-ish room area.  a nice music room… with a cheaper piano… black!  ooh or white… and drums, trumpet, electric keyboard, kereoke, flute… lol, etc.  lots of neat little toys …. and of course a nice garage with my maserati spyder.  my backyard has to be some lush garden.  front has to be nice, too.  and it’d be cool to have some sort of water/plant thingy inside…. and a black hot tub in the ground with water/plants around it.  or in the inside.    and i want a basement with lots of fun things… fooseball, table tennis, pool, arcade, big tv, music area, etc with some shag carpet of a bright color… like aqua or orange (as long as the orange is light).  the end! 

Okay… so I attempted to write a villanelle…  key word: attempted

Bible Lessons

“Bible school keeps you from going to Hell,

So follow the Bible to go on to Heaven,”

My father once told me ‘neath the church bell.

 

“That boy is the devil — this I can tell!”

So I said goodbye to my dear Kevin,

“Father says all boys are made in Hell.”

 

“Whipping is good in Heaven, little gal,”

My father once told me when I was seven

As marks on my back began to swell.

 

“All women are Earthly equals to Hell,”

My father taught mother the Lord’s forgivin’ –

Mother was beaten till at last mother fell.

 

I write in the attic, my protective shell.

My mother passed on and rests in Heaven.

My father’s gone too, and I wish him well.

 

One thing I learned from my father’s tale –

I learned he’s far from the land of Heaven

That he used to preach to me and yell;

My father resides in the fires of Hell.

Sub-mission

Scribble and scrawl
With this blunt lead –
Has no meaning at all,
But from inside my head.

Read, between these lines
(Nothing but words)
My message lies –
Written never to be heard.

Period end my sentence
Before I write again.
Make me feel repentance
For this incorrigible sin.

Rambling on and on:
(Methinks I’ve no control)
Worthless connotation,
As if that were my goal.

No way for a minor to cry.
How careless and deceiving.
I’ll wipe these pages dry
Before they can receive me.

This babble, my life,
Rest on this page
Until one day that I
May flee my mother’s cage.

 

Just a poem I wrote today.  I shall use it for my AP lit poetry project.  I like it!    Aaand I don’t really have time for a post.. nothing much has happened anyway.  Yay for busy hw weekend!  Bye bye.

“Black men are the horniest creatures in the world.” – wisdom of my mother.

OH and by the way…. Logy’s new xanga set up SUCKS!  Thatz right.

Yay harmonica!  I just bought one for like… $5 at Crackerbarrel.  Hehe.  It’s a Hohner, but yeah.. really cheap.  I can’t bend any of the notes.  And the second to last hole on each end doesn’t draw in air very well.  It makes this rattling sound lol…  oh well.  It’s fun!  I’ve got some songs down, man.  Mary Had A Little Lamb, Home On The Range, Amazing Grace, Star-Spangled Banner, Farijaque or whatever lol.  I think that’s French, too.. *sigh* my bad.  Aaand this other song.. that i can’t identify.  It’s on “Fantasia”.. I just played part of it.  I love that movie.  Haven’t seen it in years.  But yeah, enough about my little …. Herby.  Yes.  Herby the Harmonica.

I haven’t done a lick of hw.  Hmm.  That’s probably not a good thing.  I’m going to be swamped tomorrow.  Esp. with math.  Mm… lol… maybe I’ll actually work in math tomorrow instead of talk.  …. naaaah.   

I think my mono relapse is getting worse.  That’s just awesome.  Still tired all the time.. only now I’m getting a sore throat.  I found a white patch on the back of my throat this morning.  Eeeeh…. *sigh*….  lymph nodes aren’t swollen yet.  God my back hurts though.  I have this huuuge knot on the side of my lower back.  Huuuuge!  I need a harsh backrub really f-ing badly.  I keep trying to fix it myself, but I make myself yelp in pain lol… bleh.

“Honey bunches of oats!” – Nathan    

 

OOH I just finished my ap gov research paper a while ago.  100% done, baby.  Thatz right biatch.  Wow it’s after 2am already.  Waaah I have so much other hw.  And chores.  Sigh.  Well, I seriously did get the most important thing done.  Next, finish Hamlet.  Et puis, etude pour mon examen de mathematique.  …. okay no idea why I just switched to writing in french lol.  I’m losing it!  I have to go to bed.  Mmm sleep.  I had a dream I was em… intimate with a good guy friend of mine.  It was.. quite.. odd.  …  bye!

 

“Give me liberty or give me death!” – the title of my research paper.  (make secondhand smoke illegal)    I know, I know.  I rule.  *bows*  “bows” is such an odd word.  bows… bows bows…

Just got back from seeing “Munich” with Brit.  (nope, didn’t go to morp).  It was… long!  lol… eh.  Good movie I suppose.  I think I was too tired to enjoy it.  I literally fell asleep for a few minutes in the middle of the movie, lol.  Whoooops.  There was this old man a few seats across from us… wow… everytime someone would get blown up, he cracked up laughing!!!  Haha, Brit and I were freaking out lol.  We decided it must be John’s father.  But yeah… that was just a little creepy lol.  Afterward, we had to wait around for Brit’s parents to get done watching the Dick and Jane movie so they could take me home.  We ended up wasting 50 cents on that mechanical fortune-telling thing, lol.  Brit’s fortune is to “stay in bed” hehe.  You could always take that both ways.  At one point, Brit had to pee, so I just waited at the sink area for her.. and discovered something!  …. I have a grey hair!  I plucked it.  It’s… seriously… pigment-less lol.  White/grey whatever you want to call it.  Shiny and… yep!  Thaaaat’s depressing.  17 and I have my first grey hair.  -_-  I think I’m just a wee bit stressed, lol, eh?  OH and I have more wonderful news.  I went to the doctor after school today because my stomach won’t stop hurting and I throw up everything I try to eat now.  And guess what??  I have an ulcer!!  Sigh…  lol… couldn’t get much better than that.  So now Brit is yelling at me to eat more and sleep more.  I think the last time I actually ate a meal was… last Saturday.  Yeah.  Weeeelp, lol… that sucks.  I just can’t keep anything down.  My stomach is really sensitive.  Bleh.

“Stop chasing the mice inside your skull.” – Munich

So… I’ve really had some second thoughts lately about becoming a psychologist.  It’s in my top 5 career choices… it seems grounded… easy to have a family and all… something I really would love doing… BUT… why not go for my dream career?  (my realistic one lol.. not astronaut)… a pilot!  Close enough eh?  Hm.  I’ve been searching for information about schooling for it… Indiana is… not… good lol.  Not for flight school.  I’d have to go to the cheapest school possible to get my core classes done here and then… transfer to Embry-Riddle.  Which is one… f-ing awesome college.  It is the best aviation university in the entire world.  Has a campus in Prescott, Arizona and Daytona Beach, Florida.  Live 15 minutes from the beach…. aaaahhh yes…  BUT… I haven’t begun to find out prices for stuff.  I know the salary. 

Regional Airlines (Small Jet Providers), $16,000-$21,000/year
Part 91 &135 (Corporate, Charter Operators), $20,000-$40,000/year
Government Agencies (FBI, DEA, Customs), $32,000-$37,000/year

First Officer pay starts out around $32K with a 30-year captain potentially making $180K-$200K.  If the airline holds strong, pilots will retire at 60.

SO, once I’m captain, I’d be making a shit-load.  But that takes a very long time lol.  I mean… the payment is average.  I wouldn’t be a regional airline pilot… the other two are okay.  Working for the government might be interesting.  …. I could fly Air Force One!  lol… ooor not… 

I’ve also been looking more into the…. Air… Force.  …  Hm.  Yeah.  I looked into that my freshman year and gave up the idea.  Eeeh… I don’t know.  50-60k to start off… and it just increases from there as you are awarded more.  And if there happens to be a war, they can’t send females into combat.  He..hehe..hehe…    lol, unfair, but I find it humorous.  One of very few things women enjoy inequality.  But anyway, I’d have to go through boot camp.  And there are physical requirements.  I’d have to be in it for 10 yrs. to become a First Officer… which is the same as Embry-Riddle.  5 yrs. after that, you can become a lieutenant.  Or you could get out of the military after 10 yrs and become a pilot.  SOOO… if I weren’t so against the military, the AirForce really would be the way to go.  More money… trained by representatives from Embry-Riddle anyway.  So I don’t know.  I can’t see me in the Airforce.  It just… freaks me out.  I mean, when I think of the adventurous side of it, oh yes.  I LOVE the idea… buuuut lol… just the … structured lifestyle.  Saluting and “YES SIR” and all that.  Tidy little beds and a strict schedule…  I mean the list never ends.  I don’t know if my personality could adapt to that.  And, once I’m in it, I can’t… get out.  Unless I want to have it on my record as being dishonorably discharged.  I think that starts after boot camp, but I could be wrong.  May start from the minute you step foot on their turf.  The intelligence level of requirements isn’t too strict, so I’m worried about what idiots I would come across.  Course, you know.  There are idiots wherever you go lol.  Just.. a lot of people go to the military to get out of college.  I suppose that’d be more like the army or something, though.  So… I don’t know about the Air Force.  I just… really don’t think I could conform that kind of lifestyle….

Being a helicopter pilot would be cool, too.  Embry-Riddle doesn’t do that…  I don’t believe.  They probably get paid less, though.  I stuppose.  SO yeah… I’m just thinking it’s dumb of me to settle for something I may be unhappy with years from now.  Course… I may be sick of flying after years and years of it, too.  Ooooh I don’t know.  I’ve always been interested in flying something.  A spaceship, a plane… Lots of math.  Hm.  lol…. WELL I guess I’ll stick to psychology them, ahem…    lol.  Oh, I’m actually good at math when I take time to apply myself.  It’d just take me a while to get back into it.  I used to actually like math… scary eh?  I’ll take honors physics next year.. hopefully I’ll like that.  Sigh… I’d be giving up a lot of money to do this.  80-90k a year for a psychologist.  Well, it really depends though.  If I end up with just an MFT (marriage/family) then I could make anywhere from 40-50k.  I can assure myself no matter what I do, I’ll at least get 30k.  Which is about average right?  Little on the lower end…  Or a lot on the lower end lol…  damn.  I DONT KNOW!!!  Okay people, y’all gots to vote. 

VOTE YOUR OPINION!

Should I be a psychologist?  Or a pilot?

 

I heart Bon Jovi!!!!  … lol.  I’m sweaty, my jeans are sticking to me, and I have a pounding headache, but I feel great!  Dancing around like a goofus for about 2 hrs now lol.  Yes!!    Music’s the remedy for anything.  Well, for now anyway.  It is really f-ing hot in here.  I have so much hw!  I orginally printed off every website for my ap gov research paper over secondhand smoke…. BUT seems I have about 50 pages worth of websites, I think copying and pasting them from online into some sort of organization in notepad would be best.  Yeeeah…  AAAH GUESS WHAT?!?!?  I have REALLY good news.  My AP tests are free!!!  HAHA!!!  Being poor has its advantages.  We don’t have to pay a thing.  Sooo that also means I can wait a few more months before making friendly with my dad.  Bleh.  Yay for putting off things that matter lol…  Oh and guess what else???  I’ve FINALLY… OFFICIALLY… talked Brit into going to IU!!  She’s set on it now!  Eeeee!!!  lol.  So, now the only thing stopping us from going to IU is… either her circumstances change… some..how… or I can’t afford it.  Hopefully both will work out.  I think they will.    Eee!!  lol, I’m so excited.  Now I just have to get all of my other friends to plan on coming, too lol.  Well, a lot of them are already.. so that’s good.  And don’t get me wrong… I’m still upset over the whole issue with Brandon, buuut what’s the point in moping about it.  I don’t know how many times I’ve heard, “How ya holding up?” in the past two days.  I’m kinda suprised people aren’t saying “I told you so” like they have every other time when it has come to him.  Gotta love your pals.    lol

It’s my liiiife 
And it’s noow or neeever.. 
‘Cause I ain’t gonna LIVE foreverrr!!! 
I just wanna liiiive when Iiii’m aliiiive…     

-Bon Jovi

Hmm…. I really got squat done for hw this weekend.  Oh well.  I had to print a ton of papers after school today.  Like…15 or so.  Bleh.  Hm whoops I never read Hamlet…  ah whatever.  Hm Joey called me earlier.  I didn’t answer the phone.  How can that boy always be so cheerful when his life is such a complicated mess?  Maybe he just doesn’t… think about it.  Don’t know.  Well anyway, this is awesome.  Walked down to my dad’s house to get AP test money… of course my mom threw a fit.  Got there.. he isn’t home.  He’s coming home at 7:45ish.  Got back home.. mom threw another fit.  She acts like a child.  Literally.. a tantrum.  She actually threatened to “call Brandon” and make a scene if I go back there.  lol… I don’t know why she sticks her nose in my business so much.  I mean here she is now.. in my room… not leaving.  God she’s pathetic. 

But I shouldn’t take my anger out on her I suppose.  Afterall, she isn’t the one who has been lying to me for weeks.  My friends have been extremely supportive.  :-T  Especially Jacky and Logy.  And Mandi even.  I’m trying my best to make her feel better, too.  :T  You know… Logy should be the one to be upset that I didn’t listen to him in the first place.  Bleh.  I feel guilty.  Well, okay.. I’ll NEVER not believe him again.  Eh?  lol…  It’s just.. when it’s something this important, when you love someone… and believe it when he says he loves you too… then you don’t want to believe that he’s lying to you.  Who knows, he could still be going out with Sarah.  I don’t really care anymore.  He lied to Mandi and he lied to me.  I’m so sick of being his little secret.  I’m so damn sick of it.  Ever since we started talking and getting close again these past months, I’ve been a secret.  And said it was his “only option” or whatever.  Right.  Always chooses to lie.  Saying it’s only physical with me to Mandi to reassure her… telling me he loves me and that we’re “meant to be” to keep me in the picture… and lying to Sarah about all of it?  NONE of us deserve that.  How can he…. such an asshole… 

pianoroark: I just… want things to be perfect when you get to IU, shelbi
pianoroark: everything I do now… is based around that
pianoroark: bleh
QuaziBizzle: you could meet someone before then anyway
pianoroark: … not seriously, shelbi.  not to replace you
pianoroark: you don’t need to worry about that
Session Close (pianoroark): Sun Mar 12 01:41:00 2006

Yeah fucking right.

Ahem, anyway, I’ll allow my mom one day to see if she can find out if she can get any federal aid for the ap tests… because i had no luck.  So I’ll have to go back to my dad’s house tomorrow.  Thing is, I left a message for him saying I’d be back tonight.  Oh well.  Anyway, I have… so much hw.  It’s ridiculous.  I don’t even know where to begin.  SO I’m going to go now.  bye bye

“For some wounds, you have to rip off the band-aid, let them breathe, and give them time to heal.” – Grey’s Anatomy

I figured I ought to write another entry, seems my last one implies I’m commiting suicide lol.  Whoops.  If you had seen my previous (before I changed it) or my protected entry, it would make perfect sense.  Anyway… yay life!  Glad to… be alive and smell the polluted air… it’s awesome.  Whatever.  I played with Nimo this morning.. she was asleep but I woke her up.  I have a feeling I’m going to ostracize myself from people a while and concentrate on my rat.  She’s adorable.  Anyway, I think I have to go to church soon.  I really… reeeally don’t want to.  I just want to sleep.  I had the oddest dream.  I can’t remember most of it… but I was with the cast of the “Golden Girls”… aaand they were all high on pot or drunk or something.  I mean in my dream, it was just hilarious.  Rose was outside trimming the bushes into these grotesque figures… lol… Sophia was running around in her underwear singing “Yankee Doodle”… None of it made any sense… I don’t even know where I fit into the dream, exactly.  But oh well, it made me laugh.  Which I needed.  ha.  ha h haa… internet’s awesome.  I can express my emotions anyway I please and nobody will ever know the difference.  I could be perfectly happy right now, and testing to see if anybody gives a shit if I were to feel down… But nah.  I’d actually rather people not read this anyway.  Hm maybe it should be protected.  Oh whatever.  I’m rambling.  Well, I did get online for a reason.  Guess I should… get to that.

C’est la vie.