So I think I’m joining the National Guard…. so I’ll be in ROTC these next two years.  Every cent I get from it will go toward paying for law school… if I save EVERYTHING I get, then I will completely pay for law school, nothing much more though.  No debt.  And I will be in IUPD… have a BA in psych and middle eastern studies… and get a criminal law juris doctorate.  The FBI couldn’t possibly refuse me.  The National Guard will keep me in shape… look really really really really lol, REALLY good on the resume… take me overseas in deployments… and I’m thinking I’d be safe cause I’d be on base the whole time.  So yeah.  The only suck part is going to be getting into the routine and getting used to it.. wearing those damn camies.  I just got my first pair for LTC on Monday.  They fit decently well I suppose.  I need better boots and the hats hurt!  The undershirt is too big too… I’ll need an XS eventually.  BUT all that will come in time.  I’ll get all different gear when I go into ROTC.  hm.  So yeah.  I’ll…. be a soldier. 

Evan said he wants to be there when I sign the official papers saying I’m a member.  Hehe.  Yeeeah I’ll need someone to help me find the nearest bathroom when I shit my pants.

No cinnamon toast crunch!!! NOOOOOOO!!! 
I’m waking up at 4:45am to do hw and practice guitar before work.
I don’t like being corrected at work.  I figure… their lives suck.  I’m an INTERN and I’m basically doing what they are doing.  They are stuck in this career for the rest of their lives.  Don’t tell me what to do…. BUT then I realize it’s my own fault that I have issues with people telling me what to do.. and afterall it is the very fact that i AM an intern that I am being told to do things all the time.. whether or not I already get it.    and that is all.

The scabs on the back of my head are almost healed up.  I have one hell of a scar… very chunky.  I would look hilarious if i were bald.

I have a lot to do in the morning.  At least I’ll feel accomplished.  I really need to start working out on a daily basis.  I do this thing where I kill myself one or two days a week.  It’s not… really… doing anything for me lol.  I should just workout a decent amount everyday.  At least I eat pretty healthy.  A shit ton of fruit in my diet… decent amount of vegetables… whole wheat/fiber… activia everyday… no caffeine… lots of milk and cranberry juice and water.. yeep.

Hm.  WELL sleep time.  I could take a shower tonight and save myself time in the morning but nope.  Too lazy.  I’m so damn lazy lol. 

Quote of the day, “OMG DID YOUR ARM FALL OFF AGAIN?!?!?!?!?!”  – Evan to me… I don’t know

Iiiii miss Evan.  And it hasn’t even been a month since he left.  Another four years of this… fuuuck.  And you know it sucks that my parents are against him.  It was nice for a while when they were still for me dating him.  I knew it was only a matter of time — especially with mother the psychotic bitch.  So fucking frustrating.  She so fucking insane.  ALL she does is create obstacles in my life, as if I’m not stressed out enough as it is.  Won’t let me put insurance on MY car so I can go to my internship and work during the summer.  She doesn’t have to pay for it… nothing.  She’s the primary owner so, fuck me I guess.  I’ll probably lose my internship because of her.  I have to run back and forth to the court house for Gloria and WELP I can’t really do that on a bicycle.  I hate her.  WHY DOES SHE HAVE TO CONSTANTLY RUIN THINGS FOR ME?!?!??!  For 13 fucking years she has nonstop been in my way of achieving something.  Aren’t parents supposed to HELP their kids succeed?  THANK GOD I got scholarships for college else I never would have gone.  And she hates my being out of her house and her not being able to control me.  I’m almost 21 years old and she is still trying to bring me down.  She has nonstop screamed at me and called me names since I was four years old.  I would go and cry in my room… until a half hour later she was happy again and tried to say how much she loved me and tried to hug me.  Then I got smart enough and old enough to realize, Gee, I wasn’t a bad kid afterall, and started ignoring her ass whenever she’d go off on me again because I knew a half hour later she would be all happy again.  I join ballet as a kid and quit because she ends up nonstop fighting with the instructor.  Elementary school I join choir and end up being one of the TWO chosen to compete in Indianapolis.  But she doesn’t let me go because I’m “too young”… yep too young to show how successful I am with singing.  SO i quit choir.  That makes her happy for a while.  Then comes middle school and I turn anorexic because she has been telling me how chubby I am for the past five years.  I join band in high school only to have her trying to never let me join and getting into fights with wadkins and barber and constantly on my ass about the practices.  I have to BEG her to drive me to band competittions every time.  She’d do this thing where she’d say she’d take me until a half hour before I have to be there, and oh… oh no she’s busy.  “Find your own damn way.”  She did that in middle school band as well… I ended up missing the Indianapolis ISSMA concert because she wouldn’t let Brit’s parents pick me up… when they were in the driveway… because she didn’t think I needed to go.  That was a grade.  Oh and she made me quit back-up band for show choir because she made such a scene of herself.  Oh and tennis too.  She actually came storming through the halls when I was at a competition and said I was “nowhere to be found” and the principal was called down… I was pulled out of practice before the competition… all because she was claiming I was running away with brandon or some bullshit when I was at my goddamn tennis competition.  I’ll bet she came storming into homestead halls… homestead lunches… homestead events… at least a dozen times each semester.  Each time guess what?!?!  I was where I was supposed to be.  Just because I was dating someone older than me she has to fucking go balistic and call the cops on us… OH OH and I try to sit outside one night.. on my fucking property… just … getting away from her screaming and her bullshit.  What does she do?  Call the cops saying I’m running away.  … YEP they get there and practically laugh.  I date Ben and what does she do?  Lock me out of the house.  I have to crawl through the window to get my work clothes so I can make it to applebees on time.  Oh, and when i get that job what does she do?  Call and threaten the managers when I have closing nights.  Make a scene in front of the entire restaurant multiple times.  I date Jeremiah, what does she do?  Lock me out of the house again… call me a slut… make more scenes at applebees… no let him on our property… YEP.  And now I’m dating Evan.. what does she do??? Not allow him to give me $20 car insurance for my car this summer so I can get to my internship and work.  Because it’s “him” giving it to me.  EVERY single fucking opportunity I ever have she tries to destroy.  I’m so exhausted… I’m so sick of it… I hate her so much.  I just want to cry or scream half the time.  I’m so .. fucking.. SICK OF HER SHIT!!!!!  WHY can’t I get away from it?!  I just want to be on my own!!!  So she can’t control me anymore!  I can get a job and not have to worry about her ruining it for me!  I can get a restraining order against her and finally be free!!!  I won’t have to be fucking attacked by her with a crowbar.  I won’t have to be shoved against the room and hit and threatened and listen to her irrational bullshit!!!!  She can’t even throw a decent punch the lame cow.  She’s fucking insane and she doens’t do anything about it.  And you know…. despite EVERYTHING!!!!  … she’s still my fucking mother.  And that just causes more problems on my end on trying to deal with it.  I’m so tired of it. 

So I’m passing the time until my Hudson/Holland appointment at 9-something AM.  I’ve been studying for stats and diseases in the human body for about a total of … 24 hours.  yeeeah.. 2 hrs of sleep.  Weee what a weekend.  God I’m exhausted.  I just have so. much. shit. to do everyday.  I’m supposed to go to the military science building to do my physical testing today for LTC  HAHA yeah.  No.  2 hrs of sleep and a weekend of exhaustion and havent’ had time to work out for 5 days… not gonna happen.  It really sucks because I would love to workout everyday.  Being in shape would be nice.. but hell.  I have a shit ton of hw, classes, internships, iu cycling, iu rowing, pages to prisoners, advisor meetings, interviews, cia and fbi informational sessions, grocery shopping… sleep time/shower time in there somewhere… falcon punch practice, practing guitar, which I never have time to do.. i mean lol.  When?!?!  And then my sleeping pattern is all screwed up.  My eating consists of stuff that will keep me awake – i.e. carbs and sugar.  I have starbucks at least every other day to get my caffeine fix… more calories.  And when I finally do workout, I’m so damn tired from no sleep and hw and being busy nonstop that I’m too tired to do much.  And if I do exert myself, I sleep too long and end up missing my classes.  It just sucks.  No wonder there’s the “freshman 15″… god.  I didn’t gain it last year but I sure am this year.  I honestly eat healthy for my regular meals… but come night time and I’m trying to stay awake, I just eat shit.  Meh.  If you look at my refrigerator, you’d think I”m a health nut.. but… well I’d like to be.  I really don’t want to eat bullshit carbs and sugar, but it really is the only thing that keeps me going alongside caffeine.  Carrots don’t cut it lol.  Meh.  Come summer, I can finally bike… but I’m going to be working at Applebees part time and my internships as well.  No gym membership in fort wayne… can’t afford it.  God college life sucks ass.  I NEVER see my friends.  Like seriously… maybe once every two months I’ll “hang out.”  If that.  And then I’m dating a friggin’ Marine… sexy, built… god I’m not complaining lol, it’s just it makes me realize all the more how out of shape I am.  And …. well I suppose I could start doing cocaine to stay awake.   Then I could work out.  I put way too much on my plate.  At least my brain is being exercised… ish.  So much to the point I only strengthen my short term memory.  Everything kinda just packs in there for the time being then poof, out it goes to fit the next round.  Sigh… gaaaah I’m starting to see blurry from being so goddamn tired.  AND I’m negative and hate the world most of the time.  Everybody irritates me.  I just need… sleep!!!  lol, i just want to sleep damnit.  Aaah I could go back to my room to take a nap…. hm.  It’d only be for an hour though.  Kind of pointless.  I’ll just.. drink..more…caffeine…along with another 500 calories.  I’m fat… I’m out of shape.. my hair sucks… my skin is all broken out from stress… not a happy camper lol.  Fuck I’m tired.  And this shit isn’t going to end for.. another… five years.  Awesome.  And sure, everyone in college has these problems.  …and I’m sure everyone in college is taking 18 credit hours and is also a volunteer firefighter, in the IUPD cadet program, volunteering at pages to prisoners, a student intern at indiana legal services, in the iu cycling and iu rowing club, and a hudson/holland scholar.  and, of course, financially independent.  YEP!  FUN!  NO STRESS AT ALL!!  Okay sorry to irritate any of you reading this saying, “ooh maaan just chiiiill”  but fuck you very much, you don’t have to read it. 

“FUUUUUUUUUUCK”  – about how I feel right now.  I am MAXED out.  I think I’ve slept 8 hrs in the past f-ing week and have consumed about 20 million calories.

Hellooooo,

Wow, two in one week!  0_0 

I miss Evan meh.  I have a test tomorrow for which I should be study…. though it seems decently easy.  Going to my internship in the morning… going to attempt to practice guitar at.. some friggin’ point before 6 tomorrow.  Such a pointless class.  I never have time to practice — really I don’t.  And the instructors suck at teaching anyway.  Waste of time and money.  Oooh well.  I think I need to register soon…. when is registration…?  I’m out of meal points.  And $400 in debt on my credit card.  Awesome.  I should have a work study next year though making $8.50/hr.  which will be nice.  An income!!  lol.  And I don’t… think…. that’s taxable?  I don’t know maybe it is.  Probably is.  Suck me dry……. Ran into Mandi today and we vented/gossiped for about an hour and a half lol.  ‘Twas fun   I miss Evan.  This weblog is just a collection of random thoughts.  I think I’m going to email Jeremiah a friendly random hello and very candidly ask if he would like to be pals again.  I don’t like lingering hostility… and we did have a lot of fun together as friends before anything intimate occurred.  I wonder if a 1:31AM random email would be borderline “I wonder if she was drunk.”  Hmmmmm naaaaaaah it’s college.  *writes email*

Hmmm…… … well.  lol.  Eeeeh looks like that random friendly hello just went to the shitter.  Message delivery failure.  Hmmmmmmm… *curious*….. Well see now I’m too stubborn to give up on the idea and have to succeed.  I wonder if this number listed on the email account is his cell…….. welp, let’s see if that text went through.  I hear Oleander terrorizing Circe… perhaps I should intervene…. hmmm…. that’s allllllll the way across the room.  Oh you know a random text at 1:42am is a lot worse than a random email lol.  Hmmm.  Oh whatever lol.  Bleck I have chaffing from running so much with crappy shorts.  Ouuuuuch.  So not attractive.  Although since the only one who would care is about five states away… I suppose I can chaffe all I want.  Mmmm chaffing…. mmm yeah.  Meh I miss Evan.  I should go to sleep.  Gotta get up in 4.5 f-ing hrs.  Not even tired.  -_- siiiigh.  You know I should go running when I wake up and take a shower afterward instead of running at night.  I love oranges… Love for Three Oranges is a retarded play.  K wow I need sleep I’m sounding like I have ADD.

Quote of the day:  “And then we could have sex on the toilet.”  — something like that lol.  Evan and I’s sexual experimentation is going too far…….. heheheehehe