December 18, 2009
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The Ex-factor
I really don’t like having enemies. I always strive to fix things with people so I have no enemies. Evan’s entire family probably hates me… awesome. I know it’s completely ridiculous that I feel a need to fix it but I do. He’s being very… unkind and unreasonable to say the least… I don’t know why he can’t just be civil and objective. He lied to me for six months about DNA results BUT that doesn’t matter does it – it’s only what I did that matters. But I still don’t like having enemies. I wish I could just not care. I don’t like people hating me… it brings me down. And he just spreads his hate and eventually a large crowd hates me or at least thinks badly of me. Not cool. I don’t have a single enemy except those involved with him. I suppose time will heal it… give it like 10 yrs and all of the hate will be old and worn out and forgotten. I want my necklace back… anyway.
It just bothers me that he’s on his high horse so fucking happy and prideful… and just… revengeful. Mean. Dumb. That’s not how you act… that’s not what God wants. You’re supposed to be forgiving and loving and peaceful. I try to be… mainly the reason I don’t have any enemies – I’ve never been the one to hold the grudge. Ever. I just let it go. I make my feelings known… I may not speak with that person again… but I don’t hold anger. You’re not supposed to hold anger. You’re supposed to forgive.. and move on. He’s not handling it in God’s way. People make mistakes… that’s just a human thing. We’re put here to fuck up… but how we come back is the important thing. He’s not handling this well at all… I believe I am. Yes, I had the worst fuck up in the beginning… but that’s forgiven and repented and done now. And it’s over. No more… I’m okay. He, on the other hand, is holding anger.. and being cruel… and spreading his hate… and being spiteful and revengeful. I always wondered if he believed like he said he did… I really – I mean okay I can’t say, but I really don’t…feel.. in my heart.. that he has a close relationship with God — BUT like I said I don’t know. Can’t say. That’s just my speculation. I believe I do. I know I do. I know when I mess up and am truly sorry and ask for forgiveness, it is forgiven. And I grow… and learn… and keep messing up on other stuff. It’s just life.
I’m pretty overall content considering the….shit… I deal with. I think all this IUPD, fire dept, army, 18 credit hours stuff is weighing me down more than I ever thought it would. I’m sooooooooooooooooo busy!!!! And I just look for cheap thrills to make my day more fun so I can get the fun time overwith and get on with the rest of my schedule. And that’s not healthy. I’m so behind on fire dept training… I don’t fit into any social group anymore. I’ve been so busy I’ve isolated myself away for too long and now it’s just… almost impossible to get back into anything. Now that it’s xmas break I have some SOME time to myself… and I’m just… sitting here in the apartment alone. I could be out with a few friends and “hang out and drink” wooohooo! No. I hate alcohol. I just really can’t stand drinking anymore. Ever since I threw up for the first time at that ROTC party in august… Just can’t stand it. Even the hint of the taste or smell of alcohol makes me ill. Oh well. SO that cuts out practically all of my social life. All anyone wants to do is drink. I don’t get it. There are so many more fun things to do!! Lame. Extremely lame. Sigh. I work tomorrow… worked yesterday… basically I’m busy every single day of break doing something.
I don’t know what I would do to fix it though. I absolutely love the army/rotc… love the fire dept thus far… really like IUPD… obviously have to stay in school… lol. WELP! lol. I’m just… going to… keep pushing on. Maybe next year will be better? I’ll be done with fire dept training and certification stuff (well there’s always more training to be had I suppose), done with the police academy, and be taking the last few classes for my psych degree. Yeah….yeah… maybe it’ll be better. I just can’t wait til I finally have a job… and am DONE with college. Maybe I won’t have to go to grad school… I hope not. I think I might explode. I need at least a two year break between undergrad and grad if I do go. Wee law school. Ya Salem. Welp, I’m going to veg out on the couch and…. chill…? I feel like I should be doing something productive. I don’t know the meaning of “chilling” anymore lol.
And some Emo Philips quotes to lighten the mood; hahaha he’s so messed up but sooo funny!!! lol
“I was with this girl the other night and from the way she was responding to my skillful caresses, you would have sworn that she was conscious from the top of her head to the tag on her toes.”
“People always ask me, “Where were you when Kennedy was shot?” Well, I don’t have an alibi.”
“Probably the toughest time in anyone’s life is when you have to murder a loved one because they’re the devil.”
“You don’t appreciate a lot of stuff in school until you get older. Little things like being spanked every day by a middle-aged woman: Stuff you pay good money for in later life.”
