Oooooh sickness.  Well I have the flu.  All the horrid symptoms are present.  -_- meh.  I have soooo much work to do.  It’s… it’s not cool lol.  Lots of essays… LOTS of studying.  I probably won’t be able to study adequately.  All but one of my finals are on Monday.  The other is Tuesday… which is better i suppose.  Now I can go home pretty soon.  Maybe even take two days to go back to get my stuff lol.  But then summer!  Oh goodness.  Summer sounds so so so so so incredible right now.  BIKING!  Aaaah my therapy.  I still need to contact Applebees.  Meh.  And FAFSA.  And Dawn at Wells Fargo.  And Dan for an appointment.  I’ve got an appointment with Rasul (IMP sponsor) tomorrow.  Huge portfolio project along with three hw assignments due at 4:00pm tomorrow.  Huge research essay due Friday at 10:00am.  …haven’t done either one!  Haven’t even begun studying for my finals… and I”m way behind in philosophy and slightly behind in abnormal psych.  And I’m so tired… freezing one minute, burning up the next… feel like shit.. aches and pains all over… sigh.  I just want to curl up in my bed and watch movies with gatorade and nap.  Meh.  Well okay, how incredibly sick could I get within the next… week?  If I just drink energy drinks to keep me going, load myself with cold medicine (although I have to be careful with that mixing cold medicine stuff)… and stay up to work?  Would that even help?  I don’t know.  I know that yesterday, I was literally… exhausted.  I mean really.  I’ve only felt that way a few times in my life.  I could barely move my body and I couldn’t think clearly… dizzy.. .it was horrible.  So I slept instead of doing hw.  THEN i woke up with that flu crap.  I felt like I had something coming on for the past few days.. but the major symptoms came on after I woke up.  Bleh.  Now I’m talking to Brandon and being there as a friend for him, burning up again, not doing hw, and getting a really bad headache.  Logan hasn’t called me back and I’m worried about him.  I mean he has always called me back before.  This Lori breakup has him really down and I wish he’d let someone be there for him.  Sigh.  Damn finals week.  HA dead week my ass.  I’m more busy this week than I have been in the past month.  All these damn essays and projects!  And they’re not even for the final!!!  -_-

Meh.

Oooh I am tired.  I should be working on hw right now.. ah no ambition.  I read all of my psych hw yesterday and am basically done with my french presentation work.  Probably should write that essay and read for philosophy… meeeeeh. 

I can’t wait til summer.  I reeeally need some alone time on my bike.  That sounds so nice… I’ll get to the point.  As for Tom, I keep going back and forth on my decision… but I’m gradually getting over him more each day.  Give it another week and I’ll be completely indifferent.  Almost to that point now… So I don’t really care.  He doesn’t want to contact me or let me know about his surgery?  Whatever dude.  lol… just another weirdo.  Whyyyyy do I keep dating weirdos…?!  lol.  Ah hopefully I’ll find a good ‘un soon enough.  Keep on dating…

On a brighter note, I revised my indiv. major!  Instead of international leadership, I’m calling it cross-cultural leadership.  The tweaking is getting less drastic each time I revise it.  I’m not sure if this will be my final draft, but it’s a hell of a lot better than the last one, at least for me.  I don’t have to stay 4.5 years!  Just 4!!!  YAY!  Although now I need to combine my internship and overseas study… sooo I need to have an overseas internship.  I’m sure SOMEWHERE in the whole country of France I will be able to do SOMETHING.  I’d like to get that CIA internship… I’ll still apply to that and the Aspen Institute one. 

Tonight I’m going to watch Sweeney Todd with Dustin, Sandra, and Andrew.  I’m going to miss them over the summer…   Sandra and I will be the only one’s here next year in Bloomington.  Meh!  Our boys are moving on us!  We will just set a fetter to their ankles. 

Hmm I should probably get a shower… clean my room… and start reading philosophy or something.  I REALLY should write that essay.  Or at least… rent that book.  Yep I should.  … yeeeep.  Should get on that.  Goooing to do it.  Here I go…  I think I want to buy DDR for wii.  I keep spending my money but whatever I want it.  … that’s not a perfect representation of the id or anything.  It looks fun. 

I get to register for classes in the morning!   Possibly at midnight.  I am excited.  I am taking (assuming all goes well):

So a total of 16 credits for seven classes.  Pretty crazy. 

Anyway, Ima go.  Shower… waffle?!?!?!… hw…. waffle?!??!?!… clean stuff… laundry… (WAFFFLE!)  etc.

Here I go again on my own
Going down the only road I’ve ever known
Life a drifter I was born to walk alone
I’ve made up my mind
I ain’t wasting no more time
Here I go again

I’m not tired at all, so I thought I might as well write something.  ‘Tis 2:50am.  Just got back from a date with Andrew, which was overall pretty decent.  Nothing spectacular/ nothing horrible.  Decent.  I suppose I would have been more… moved if I were over Tom.  It’s so silly how I still like him or.. miss him or.. SOMETHING him.  I mean really I could not find a single flaw.. no… alarms/red flags… nothing was a turn-off.  I mean okay… we didn’t have the chemistry but my God we didn’t even give it a chance.  We went too quickly we … did physical things too soon,we hung out everyday… it was just overall a bad start.  I really think if we give it some time away from each other and start again later then.. it might really work.  I just hope he’s up for the idea.  I still like him.  I’m not going to stop liking him because there’s no reason to!  I mean okay tonight with Andrew was okay like I said but… he’s interested in math and numbers and economics and likes rap and techno and is so much older and didn’t graduate college… he’s a smart guy, has good taste in a few things, a gentleman… yadda yadda.  Decent.  A great catch for the right girl.  Is that how Tom felt about me?  …   Probably.  Maybe.  I don’t know… What the hell else does he want?!  Okay I wasn’t myself around him really.  I was uncomfortable a lot of the time.  But man… compared to how much we have in common.  Like… everything!!  His love for music is a bit extreme for my taste but I just.. didn’t understand it yet.  I could learn to love it more I mean my God I’ve played the flute since I was in sixth grade, was in band for seven years, orchestra, backup band, choir before that… I have fun singing… I mean if I had an exceptional talent in it, of course I would probably be majoring in it.  I just.. didn’t and… I honestly started hating the tradition of it… the practicing… the damn etiquette of concerts… meh.  I could not live that life.  But it’s definitely not a turn-off by any means.  It’s not a turn-on.. yet.  It’s something I want to understand more.  And I still feel bad for not going to his recital but he didn’t invite me.  And like Sandra said, if he cared if I were there or wanted me there… he would have said something.  So screw that.  You know if anything, at least I’m completely over Brandon.  I mean… man… I’ve held onto that itsy bitsy tiiiiny scrap of … thought/hope/dream whatever you want to call it that we might still have “something there” for so damn long.  I did not consciously pine away for him or any crap like that, but there was something there.  Deep, deep, deeeep down.  And now.. *blaring trumpets* it’s completely gone!  And replaced with a burning desire to get back with Tom… weeeee lol.  Meh.  I think about him every. single. day.  I don’t even realize how much time has passed.  A month?  Has it seriously been a month?  I think so… Wow.  That is a long time.  I haven’t seen him in a month.  Talked to him on the phone once about small-talk bullshit…. and fleeting conversation through facebook wall posts.  Wow.  I’ve seen Kris and Nathaneal out and about campus… not Tom… sigh.  I really miss him!!!!  Not like… like the typical mushy-gushy kind of miss crap.  Just.. that small ache in the chest that’s always there, you know?  It’s that ache-in-the-heart feeling that you’re missing something and things just aren’t as interesting or fun as they could be because something just isn’t right.  I even have these… completely ridiculous ideas that… oh… maybe I’ll see him today when I’m out running!  I’ll just.. head toward the music department!  And you know, it’s not like I set out to run toward the music department.  I just always seem to end up over there and once I am, I have that dumb thought that I might see him.  Or here’s the craziest one, you ready?  Okay… so one day he scared the shit out of me by hiding behind my door because I left it open to go to the bathroom.  Well I always leave it open when I leave my room if I’m still in the building.  Sometimes when I leave, I think about that day and wonder what I would do if he were there when I walked in.  Of course I don’t actually think he’s there; it’s more just a hypothetical thought.  Meh.  But what if I did see him in public somewhere?  What would I say?  Hi… how are you.. what have you been up to… nice weather… yadda yadda small talk bullshit.  Politeness.  And he would do the same.  Sigh…. I just want to run up to him and hug him and tell him I’ve missed him and I am not as happy as I was with him even with… with Blade Runner, one of the worst movies I’ve ever seen.. and even with my looking like shit with greasy bangs, glasses, no makeup, walking around his dirty house, completely uncomfortable and self-conscious, especially among his housemates…. and even with his silly overpoliteness and my feelings of having to be “professional” or whatever around him.  I !!!!  ME!!! I me I am the one who needed to loosen up.  Meh.  I really.. really truly 100% think we should .. we deserve another chance.  We know what to expect/do now… and I’ll just be myself more so from the beginning.. the jokes… whatever and see where it leads.  I just… won’t act “professional” even if I feel the need to be.  I miss him.  I facebook messaged him, even though I said I was going to wait for him to contact me.  I don’t care I just want to talk to him.  All I said was “… *cautious poke*…”  I suppose I’ll see what he has to say.  He’s probably pissed I didn’t go to his recital and I don’t blame him but… still man.  Invite me next time dude.  I suppose that’s not a good enough excuse or whatever but… it’s awkward and we’ll just see how it goes.  I would love to tell him these things but I think it’s only going to turn him off more.  I mean he never had feelings toward me to begin with.. so he says… so… I don’t know.  Granted, I was so not into him in the beginning… I still liked Kyle.  I even talked to Kai about that.  BUT I figured I should go for the nice guy for once instead of the hot bad boy type.  And I was really happy with my decision… thing is he was almost too nice/polite.  It’s like… is that it?  Just… polite?  I can’t tell the difference from how he acts around me to any other person he just meets.  Maybe that was just because he wasn’t into me.  Well how could he not be into me?!  Every guy I date is into me!!  And we were so much alike… it’s like he’d have to not be into himself in a way.  I mean really we even seemed to have the same thought processes.  It was so…comforting.  Gah.  I keep thinking I did something wrong… but therapist shelbi says “ooh oh no no do not blame yourself…”  and then I can just hear Tom’s reply to my asking if I did something wrong.   Of course he would say no.. in that sweet trying-to-not-let-you-down demeanor and say he just doesn’t have those feelings and maybe he isn’t capable of having those feelings.  Sigh.  I don’t think he’s as messed up as we decided he was.  I think we were both overanalyzing his indifference and turning it into something he needs therapy for… I mean come on.  He’s fine.  He’s just… We just should have gone about his slower.  I wasn’t expecting to seriously date him until the summer.  … two weeks later that’s what we call each other.  Four days later we break up.  YEP.  God… I mean we could still be having fun right now… taking it easy… getting to know each other… going on dates…, hanging out as friends… I WANT THAT!!!!  Doesn’t he?  Does any part of him want that?  We could kiss!  We could hug, kiss… cuddle… all of that, just nothing more.  Nothing anymore serious.  We rushed into things and screwed it all up.  I wonder if he would be up for that.  Oh sigh.  I hope he would be.  I’m so afraid he’s going to just say the same thing in the trying-to-not-let-you-down voice.  I just hope he wants that, too.  I want him back… and I’m going to get him back, damnit.  I ALWAYS accomplish what I set out to do.  Relationships, academics, sports, everything.  Overall, I honestly rarely fail.  (unless it’s math.. but I hate math and don’t care)  Ima do it.

“There is this quality, in things, of the right way seeming wrong at first.”
  -John Updike

“Those who believe that they are exclusively in the right are generally those who achieve something.”
-Aldous Huxley

“A life without hope and dreams is a life not fully lived.”  – ‘Katherine Chancellor’ on “The Young and the Restless”

“If you think you can win, you can win. Faith is necessary to victory.”
-William Hazlitt

“I dread the events of the future, not in themselves, but in their results.”
- Edgar Allan Poe:  “The Fall of the House of Usher”

“Time is what prevents everything from happening at once.” – John Archibald Wheeler

“Damn the torpedoes! Full speed ahead.” – David Farragut

“Le coeur a ses raisons que le raison ne connait pas.” – Pascal

“Life appears to me too short to be spent in nursing animosity, or registering wrongs.” – Charlotte Bronte’s Jane Eyre

Well I have about 10 minutes or so before I have to go to class, so I might as well write something. 
Yesterday was great!  Didn’t get much hw done… but I took my psych test.  It was em… interesting.  My worst grade in the class by far… thanks to forgetting the test is today… BUT that’s okay at least now I don’t have to spend time …studying…for… it… ..   Always look on the bright side.  Sandra and I hung out a lot yesterday, which was great!!!!  She is definitely one of my best friends.  Brit of course will always remain top hauncho, but ya know.  All the running and walking yesterday kind of screwed up my bad knee… so I’m wearing my brace for a while.  Meh.  It is crackling and popping and hurting… damn tennis.  At least the brace helps.  Going to the mall today to pick up a damn sensor wii bar for Dion… I DON’T think I should have to pay for the whole thing, but whatever I just want it done and overwith.  Got to write a mini essay tonight… easy stuff… and read lots and lots and lots.  … and lots and lots… and lots.  I’m studying with Sandra and Phillip tonight though so that should keep me motivated.  I need to get some notes for international studies… we’ll see how that goes.  Meh lots of hw.  It’s little 500 week though!!  WOO!  Lots of bikers everywhere man.  I am hanging out with Kai to see DMX and party… got a date-like thing Saturday evening with Andrew… (really nice guy as far as I can tell… Dustin approves!!  haha)  aaand a girl’s day out with Sandra and Darla at some point… possibly hang out with Butthead if he isn’t too much of a butthead… I think that’s about it.  It should be fun!!!!  Weee!!    Ah I should go to international studies discussion.  God I hate that class.  Just a few more weeks and I’m home free baby!  As for the Tom stuff… eeh.  I just got to thinking that the dude didn’t even invite me to come to the recital.. didn’t tell me when it was… he mentioned it on my wall but didn’t say a word about my coming.  I have a feeling he couldn’t less care one way or the other.  And he never asks me to do anything… always turns me down when I suggest something… seems to be getting along perfectly fine without me in his life whatsoever… doesn’t even give me an update about his surgery even though I asked him to let me know if he changed the date or something.  Maybe he didn’t change the date.  BUT screw it, screw him; I’m not worrying about it anymore.  Not feeling guilty.  I’m through it all and .. that’s that.  Now for class.  … meeeeeh.

Anyway I can’t believe it has been almost a year since I used this last.  Xanga popularity certainly disappeared… although yes, I do prefer facebook… for other reasons.  Mainly just a quick way to keep in touch with friends… whereas this can be personal.  And since it has lost popularity, nobody will read it!!!  Weeee!!!  Secrets!!!  Mmm.. lol.  Not too many of them.  Alright I have to do hw anyway.

I used to write “quote of the day” on every entry.  Hmmm… quote…
(cheating!  copied from facebook)

“Trouble is part of your life, and if you don’t share it, you don’t give the person who loves you a chance to love you enough.”  – Dinah Shore

That seems appropriate for a xanga entry.

Woooow!!!  I remember xanga!!  …!!!  Yeah so after spending an hour taking away all of my fancy customizations, I can now use it again!  Wee online diary.  I’ll just paste what I pasted into the facebook notes thing yesterday…

8:17pm Monday, Apr 7