April 8, 2008

  • Woooow!!!  I remember xanga!!  ...!!!  Yeah so after spending an hour taking away all of my fancy customizations, I can now use it again!  Wee online diary.  I'll just paste what I pasted into the facebook notes thing yesterday...

    8:17pm Monday, Apr 7

    Define selfishness.
    How cruel, how heartless... how self-absorbed. How can I feel anything
    but what I want to feel... to see... to touch. My mind has been lost
    for so long and here I sit.. typing away... mindless words just running
    together. I'm still lost. At least now I've realized... that I have
    been selfish. I only feel sympathy for myself. I only feel love for
    myself. Everything else is false... fake.. persona... I've even tricked
    myself into believing I feel things for others. And yet, why am I sad?
    Why do I continuously search for something that's missing... Am I sad
    for myself -- yet another declaration of selfishness? Am I writing this
    for some... reaction? I don't know... I know I need to write. And I
    don't care who reads it if anyone.

    I would rather be alone and be absorbed into my own little world with
    nobody else to question me or judge me or even like me. This way I am
    my own world. I am the world I know. I am the world. Everything else is
    just a pawn in my life... to manipulate and use for self-assurance
    whenever I need it. Am I really this selfish? I don't want to be
    selfish... I think. I know I care for some.. truly I would be upset if
    something were to happen to them. But is this not human nature? Is that
    something worthy of contributing to myself as if I have feeling for
    others outside what is innate to a human being? I think not.

    I only help because... well why? Why is it that I consider devoting my
    entire career to helping others someday? The objectivity in the way a
    psychologist is to help the patient is familiar to me. I can help
    without feeling. I enjoy helping, really. I truly do enjoy it... yet I
    have a difficult time actually being empathetic or even sympathetic. Do
    most people have that same problem? Does everyone? Does anyone truly
    help another just for the purpose of helping them? Well, I suppose I
    could say I do... because that is objective. Maybe I've even somewhat
    conditioned myself to be indifferent since I've had the idea of
    becoming a psychologist... it's possible. Maybe not... I don't know.

    I don't think I help others to feel better about myself... because I am
    simply indifferent. All around... I am indifferent. I am indifferent to
    a lot of things... and I'm becoming indifferent to "love" or whatever
    you could call it. Perhaps I have been indifferent to it longer than I
    realize... Love not just in bf/gf relationships, but friendships too.
    Sure sure, I have a few friends who I truly love... that mushy-gushy
    would-do-anything-for kind of love. Very few. And most of those friends
    I've had a long time... so I suppose it comes naturally in a way. Maybe
    that's normal... maybe I shouldn't question why I only feel that way
    toward a very few choice people.

    Maybe I am just sad... my spirit is broken. I miss summer, I am sick of
    hw, I recently ended a short relationship, though I grew highly
    attached, and I've lost interest for dating for who knows how long.
    That isn't such a bad thing... you'd think I could "concentrate more on
    my studies" or something instead. But no... I don't have the desire to
    do that either. That's normal though; a lot of people are incredibly
    sick of school work at this point.

    But that's beside the point... I think all this may stem from the
    simple fact that I miss a person inside my heart... and my heart is
    breaking for that... yet... I'm so selfish because I do absolutely
    nothing for that person. The relationship is completely one-sided --
    that being the other person always doing things for me. And you know,
    that's what it is like for a lot of my relationships. Even with my
    friends, I usually have to make myself chill out to let the other
    person make a decision... or stop myself from manipulating a situation
    for my benefit... or shut myself up to let the other person talk about
    his/her day instead of thinking mine is so incredibly interesting to
    anyone and everyone. And then, I don't really care what they have to
    say most of the time; I just make myself believe I do. Then, I can have
    my turn again to talk, which is always more interesting anyway right?!
    That is selfish. That's sad....

    How can I change? Or is that normal? Is that what most people think if
    they take time to think about it? I know I am constantly thinking and
    analyzing everything about myself and others... maybe I've come to this
    conclusion because I'm overanalyzing... but I don't think so. I think I
    am selfish... I know I am. Granted, everyone is. But I think I am more
    so... much more so.


    And the one thing I want/wanted most is the one thing I think I may
    have pushed away with my selfishness. I could have gone... I could have
    been there yesterday. But no. I didn't even take just a few SECONDS to
    see what time the performance was. No excuses. No fucking excuses. I
    just didn't think about it... well no, that's not right either. I DID
    think about it! I'm always thinking about that...whole...short-lived    ... thing. I miss it so much I break down in tears so often and I hate weakness. I hate crying; crying is weakness.

    And I have to be strong for a good girl friend of mine... I have to be
    strong for her and I love her dearly, truly I do. But I'm a fraud....
    she is so strong in the problems she is having and here I am balling
    and crying over some... what? Week long relationship? And I don't even
    go to the recital? I really wanted to go to it! .... so I thought! What
    the hell is wrong with me... What. Is. My. Problem. And I can't
    concentrate on anything... I have zero ambition to do anything, not
    just hw. I didn't even really have fun salsa dancing. It's on my mind
    all the fucking time and I just... .......I don't know. I don't know if
    I wanted freed of this.. burden or if... oh fuck. Who cares. Blabbing
    away again...

    I don't even know what I'm talking about. I can't analyze this feeling
    I'm having. I can't... define it. Maybe I am selfish, but I feel a
    connection that I shouldn't be having. For all the guys I have dated...
    for how EASY it is to get them to fall for me (truly effortless).... is
    it the chase? It is the fact that I can't have it that I want it so
    much? Or is it that old saying that you don't know what you had til
    it's gone... but I didn't even have it!!! Never had it to begin with. I
    was .... I wasn't lied to, but I was given false hope by no fault of
    anyone. That hurt... it hurt a lot... but is that the entire cause of
    all of this pain? Just the fact I was turned down? No... it's not... I
    know I am much stronger than that. Much. So what is it... and why don't
    I actually put some fucking effort into it or... or why didn't I THINK
    to fucking check the time on the website? Agh. I don't understand
    myself.

    I need a psychologist; I can't keep pretending to be one for myself.
    ..... sigh. I don't know. I know this hurts... and it's affecting my
    daily life... and I have no right to be feeling this way. I'm selfish
    and I don't have a right to be feeling sorry for myself...ooh!! Yet
    more selfishness. Fuck it. I'm confused... hurt... and I don't even
    know why exactly I'm hurting. I mean yadda yadda it's not some
    depressive disorder or something like that. I know... there's a
    reason... that it has to do with that relationship....

    But if I still want it, then why don't I make an effort? If I still
    want it, then why don't I even THINK to make an effort? If I don't want
    it, then why do I think about it constantly? If I don't want it, then
    why can't I concentrate and why am I so damn sad? Answer those and I'd
    be eternally grateful. Good luck. You don't even have the facts... most
    of you don't even know what I'm talking about... buuut that's okay. I'm
    mainly venting... grasping to some hope that I would have figured
    things out by the time I finish typing. Ah. At least I got it off my
    chest. Not that I've solved anything.... but it is a temporary relief.
    Yep...

    I may acted toward him with indifference... I didn't reciprocate his
    kindness.. I didn't reciprocate anything really. I took advantage, I
    may have even manipulated but maybe not... I was selfish. I acted in
    indifference, but I didn't feel indifference... it was quite the
    opposite. Quite the opposite. I was scared.. or inexperienced... or
    maybe both. I screwed it all up.. and here I am blabbing about
    something that never existed except in my own confused mind. I know I
    need to take some time to... learn how to be in a relationship, to
    learn how to not be so selfish in any kind of relationship. I lost...
    maybe... that wish on a star that I've made since I can remember. Seems
    to fit the criteria pretty well. I have to accept that and move on
    and... forget it all. God I'm an idiot. Why can't I just let it go?
    Sigh. Perhaps I'm just lonely. I am lonely... really lonely. Lonely for
    a particular person? I don't know maybe not. Maybe just lonely
    in...general? Sigh. Maybe not. ... That probably wouldn't make much
    sense since I have many friends. I guess. Lonely for a relationship. ..
    for the one I lost? That would be my most educated guess, BUT maybe
    not. I'm not a psychologist I don't fucking know. Bleh. I'll stop
    blabbing. Hw time anyway. ... Wee! ...Yaay hw. ... hw hw hw...!!! .....
    ..

    ...But you know... then again... ... I wasn't even invited. ... Hm. Yeah... ... .