I should be studying for fire dept, but I have too much on my mind right now.  And it’s about relationship stuff… as usual…

If I allow myself to fall too deeply for another guy before i give evan and i a chance, I would always wonder what if. and I do love him. every relationship has problems.. especially when you only see each other a few times per year.

I just. don’t. know. i’ve had many second thoughts about evan and if he’s “the one” but when we’re together it’s great. .. but then again whenever we’re together, all it is is quality time… so we never experience anything remotely close to normal bf gf relationship. though.. if he was the one and i gave it all up because I know how completely in love with me he is.. i..could possibly screw up the rest of my life. and I do love him too. however… if the problems we have is not JUST from the distance and I just can’t tell right now BECAUSE of the very fact that we are in a long distance relationship and that’s what I blame everything on… then moving on would be the best thing. and I see other opportunities of being with someone else… of it being very compatible and it could definitely turn into something great… but then again… I can’t just wonder “what if” about any great guy i ever meet in the future.

and when I say problems… i mean the fact that, in normal circumstances of a long distance relationship, you find yourself becoming interested in other people.  cheating may result.  You never see the one you love.. lonely, human nature.. what have you.  Other problems would be you just don’t know each other.  I mean.. for one thing, I know evan and I haven’t honestly had time to get to know each other.  How could we?  We never see each other.  Our entire relationship is over the phone.  We never hang out.. we never do anything together… and we only talk about an hour per day if we’re lucky.  We have completely different lives… I mean lol.  What is our relationship based on?  The fact that we knew each other in high school doesn’t really mean shit because I know I for one have changed a GREAT deal since then and I believe he has too.  So… it’s like online dating or something.  I mean how can you say you love a stranger.  Granted, he’s not a stranger. We do know a lot about each other… so much that that is one of the reasons I would not want to give up on us because he does know so much about me.  It’s comforting.  I suppose it only took ten months though… But anyway. 

I think I’m scared that if I did just say… okay… we need to stop.  We need to stop dating each other.  It’s unhealthy.  Sure, he’s moving to Chicago soon.  That’s still long distance.  It’s a hell of a lot better… but still long distance.  We still can’t hang out… do things together… experience each other’s lives… know what it’s like to be around each other for long periods of time.  Besides becoming interested in other people… we haven’t even fought.  There’s nothing to fight about lol.  All of our time together is quality time… we try to make the most of it.  So we have no f-ing idea what it’s like to date each other.  Really.  No idea.  If we were together like normal couples… who knows what it would be like.  I really don’t know and neither does he. 

So how can we say we are so deeply in love with each other?  I do love him.  I’ll always love him.  But… it’s like a blind love.  Kind of an ignorant love.  I care about him deeply but I have no idea what it’d be like to date him in a normal relationship.  He doesn’t know what it’s like with me either.  We don’t even have a history of dating normally before the long distance.  Our relationship BEGAN with long distance.  It’s just an impossible situation…

How can we say that we are the one for each other?  How can we say we’re not though?  We can’t say either one.  For one thing, you’ll never know that answer no matter what kind of relationship you’re in.  But… you can definitely have a better idea than basing it off talking on the phone and seeing each other a few times per year.  So… why should we continue like this?  Our relationship will be long distance for the next four years.  FOUR YEARS.  In that time, he and I are living in blind hope that we will get along great and everything will be wonderful once we have a normal relationship. 

What if four years from now we finally get to experience a normal relationship and we can’t stand it.  Four years… of misery… missing each other… having all this pain… giving up opportunities to be with someone else who might be “the one”… for nothing.  Or, four years from now we might end up perfect for each other… but all the pain and problems of long distance will have made each other hate each other by then and we don’t even want to try it out.  Or… we struggle through these four years in blind hope and end up perfect for each other and live happily ever after.  That’s a really… big… if.  

I’m 21 yrs old.  I don’t want kids for another  9 or 10 years if ever.  I want to focus on my career… experience some fun… not be tied down to something that’s such a big if!!  I love him and he shouldn’t be tieing himself down to such a big if, either.  Maybe we will end up married someday.. but why even have this long distance relationship in the meantime?  it’s not a normal relationship.  And we don’t even know if we will work out.  We have absolutely nothing to base it on. 

But I don’t want to hurt him.. and i don’t want to lose him completely if we are meant to be together someday.  I just wish I could explain this to him somehow for him to understand it.  I feel like if we continue on like we are, we will destroy our chances of ever being together.  Four.  Years.  Of this.  Seeing him a couple of times per month will help… but it’s not enough to base the rest of your life on!  I mean i might as well figure I’m going to marry him if I spend the next four years of my young years taken with someone I hardly ever see.  It’s like I’m deciding to be married… right now.  I’m 21.  No.  I just… want him to understand.  I’m afraid he’ll just be angry and not get it and just keep trying to win me back.  That’s completely not the point.  Sigh. 

If we were together in person… things could be so much different.  But the fact is we’re not.  And although I do think we would be great together in person in a normal relationship…. waiting four years to find out is not practical.  I love him so much… so so so much.  And that’s why I don’t want things to mess up for us if we did have a chance in the future.  I also love myself… and need to take care of myself… and right now I’m not happy.  I need to know that he and I are meant to be together if I commit myself to him like that.  And right now I don’t know that.  I would always wonder “what if”… and maybe ten years down the road in marriage it would show.  And I don’t want that.  I want to be young and experience normal dating like you’re supposed to before you ever decide to get married and settle down.  Four years of blind faith is not healthy for any relationship to ever have a chance.

So Evan and I had another fight today.  I’m so depressed lately… it just keeps getting worse.  I don’t give a shit about anything.  I have a brand new computer, I got my shoes in the mail for my halloween costume, i got a new charm for my bracelet, midterms are over…. nothing.  I don’t care.  I didn’t go to work… I didn’t go to class… I didn’t go to fire dept.  Just didn’t show up.  I just don’t care.  All I want to do is sleep.  I don’t even care about eating anymore.  It actually makes me sick to my stomach.  I know the main source of my depression is Evan.  When I went to the opera last night… the one fun thing that actually made me happy besides the little boy smiling at my being all decked out in soldier uniform… it was just ruined by him.  I’m not happy.  We just hurt each other.  I’m so depressed.  Maybe it’s all because of the distance.  I miss him so much and I love him more than I’ve ever loved anyone… but it just doesn’t get any better.

I literally feel like my heart is breaking in two and I can barely swallow.  I feel this actual pain in my chest and the urge to cry all the time.  I’ve basically been crying all day.  I cried so hard after we hung up I almost threw up.  He was so mean to me.  I know he’s hurt…. but it’s not the way to solve things.  Regardless… I’m not made of stone.  I can only fight for so long and I just… cracked.  I had to hurry and hang up before he could tell that I was about to burst out crying.. and then he called back to tell me off for hanging up on him.  I don’t even know what he said — I just put the phone down and screamed crying.  I hadn’t cried that hard since Brandon told me he never loved me.  I never thought.. I would feel that pain with Evan.  And the whole thing wasn’t even that.. cruel.. it was just… I guess I love him so much that everything just overwhelmed me. 

I can just see him reading this right now and saying the same thing over and over again and just not… quite..realizing.  The problem is us.  It never was anything or anyone else.  I didn’t ask for a break because I was falling for another guy.,.our problems never started because of another guy.  And they just keep getting worse because that’s all he wants to focus on.  I’m mentally exhausted and my heart can’t take much more.  I’m just so depressed.  Now he’s not talking to me… whatever.  It just makes things worse.  Maybe this is how he felt.  He’s just escalating things to the point he’s going to break us.  I’m so….incredibly….hurt.  I don’t trust him and he doesn’t trust me. 

Things have been getting worse for months before anything that he keeps focusing on even happened.  I don’t even know what to do for us anymore.  I feel like I’m going to cry again.  My eyes are so puffy and raw I don’t know how I even have tears left.  Its to the point it literally stings if I cry anymore.  I don’t like this.  I remember my being single and independent and okay on my own — no male to ruin me.  I don’t like loving someone this much — you put too much of yourself into him and just end up getting hurt.  You always get hurt.  If I broke up with him for good… I would heal.  I would be back to myself again eventually and then never make the mistake of seriously dating anyone again.  I’d go about my life… have a career that took over my life… and never have a family to worry about.  Or if I stay with him.. I’d have love… but pain.  Pain pain pain and more pain.  I’ll cry more than I ever would alone.  I’ll be hurt and depressed to the point i don’t care about anything again.  I’ll wonder why my life has turned into this — how I could betray myself to allow such pain. But… i guess I wouldn’t be alone.  Most of the time.  Hopefully not. 

I just see a future with Evan that used to look so bright and happy and loving with painting our new house together and making love next to a fire and long walks in the fall…. now it’s… fights.  Him walking out and slamming the door.  Me crying with the kids.  Separation.  Affairs.  Screaming and yelling and the kids bursting into tears.  Him throwing things and something hitting me or the kids.  All I see is pain and anger and betrayal.  Why would I want that for my future children?  Or myself?  Or anyone?  It’s…exactly….how I grew up.  It’s exactly.  I raised myself because my parents screamed and yelled and threw things and my dad constantly slammed the door and walked out on my mother after a fight.  Mother holding me and crying…. me crying and wondering where daddy went.  I mean all that pain!  Just thinking about it makes me fucking cry again.  I’ve shut that away for so many years… my childhood was hell.  And it’s exactly what I see happening with Evan. 

Psychologists often say that a daughter from a divorced family finds a lover who resembles her father.  Today, my father is great.  Back then…. he was so cruel.  Mother was just pathetic and couldn’t stand on her own two feet… it eventually made her mental illness worse.  I was all alone… i would never… NEVER NEVER want that for my children!!!  I was so fucking alone!  I see things in Evan… that are so similar to my dad…. before i just saw good similarities but… now… after he’s shown how he can be after a fight… this is him.   This is what it’s like to fight with Evan.  And that is exactly what it was like with my dad.  My god….   I can’t do this.  No matter what love I feel… I can’t do that.  I can’t have a child live like I lived.  How can I just take a chance like that?  And I’d lose a part of myself… fighting like that and constantly having him walk out on me… left with the kids to explain… crying and trying to not show it but the kids know anyway.  The kids then go to their own room and cry into a giant stuffed rabbit and wonder what they did wrong.  Blame it on themselves and hit themselves saying how stupid they are.  Oh my god I’ve forgotten about so much shit that is just flooding back… I had forgotten that I used to hit myself really really hard in the head or the face when I was about 4 or 5.  I would do it til I cried and then tell myself to shut up and quit being a baby.  God… I hit myself because I saw dad hit mother.  I did it til I cried because that’s what i saw that she did… and I told myself to shut up because mother always told me to shut up and quit being a baby when I cried.  I was so…hurt.  God.  That’s not even.. a portion of it. 

All that pain…. just living in me all these years.   I honestly forgot about it I had repressed it so much and just the simple fact that Evan just wants to stop talking and “cool off” like my dad would always have to “cool off” made me remember those things.  It was like I was little all over again.. I felt that pain… I cried hysterically.  He was so cruel on the phone… if this is how he is now… …. years down the road when we have pressures of finances and bills and family and kids and all the other things that complicate marriage…. how much worse is that blow up going to be?  This was NOTHING  … NOTHING!!  Compared to some struggles people have.  Nothing!  What if one of us were to be going through chemo… or one of us is deployed… or our child has a serious accident… anything that could trigger mixed emotions and hurt or anger…. how would he deal with more severe problems?  We’re not even married.  We have a long distance relationship.  We just got off a break.  We hardly ever see each other.  We’ve only been dating a year.  Everything is so simple and small right now… and these are the problems we’re having already.  I don’t know what to do.

Everytime I need Evan he’s not around.  I know he can’t really help it… it’s the distance.  But the fact remains I can’t confide in him about things when he’s not there to talk to.  Like lately I’ve had a lot of shit weighing me down and we only talk for an hour max.  It’s usually just about his work and my classes.  Then he goes to sleep and forgets to call me before bed.  Cause he falls asleep… and I get about three hours per night… but that’s beside the point.  It’s just… whenever I’m having a bad day.. and really need him… he’s asleep or at work or busy.  Mainly because of the long distance relationship.  But he said before that he wants me to tell him things and open up to him, vice versa… well… how can I?  He’s not around when I need him… so I continue to just sort out my own problems or happy things or what have you… and continue to build that wall between us.  Continue to be self-sufficient to the point of being okay if I lost him.  We lead completely separate, completely different lives.  I don’t see the point of telling him things about my day or news or something good that’s happening half the time because he’s not there to experience it anyway.  It’s like trying to relay a joke to someone who wasn’t there — you just don’t get it.  It’s not as funny and it doesn’t mean as much.  It’s simply impossible to open up in a long distance relationship.  Like Adam and Bethany — they’re together everyday.  They have a bad day — they talk about it right then and there.  Adam’s there for Bethany when something’s wrong — vice versa.  If something good happens, they are there to experience it together.  With Evan and I…we never know when one of us is having a bad day or a good day and our conversations are so pointless and routine that there’s really no time or place for conversations of any depth or meaning.  And even if there were, by the time we talk, I’m fine.  I’ve resolved my own issues on my own again and didn’t need him afterall.  Or I forget about that one funny thing that happened that day… or about the awesome thing that’s going to happen next week.  What’s the point?  So like I said.. continue to be fine alone.  Living my life my way on my own… without him.  He’s not a PART of my life in any significant way other than over the phone… I mean he’s not here!  He’s not experiencing anything with me at all!  It just continues to build the wall between us.  How is this a relationship?  And this whole questioning our relationship thing and back and forth shit is really getting old.  I either want to be content in a normal relationship… or single.  I love him – that’s why this just kills me. 

I hate long distance.  God I can’t wait for him to be in Chicago…. I miss him all the time.  Every minute I have free when I’m just taking a breather… he pops in my mind and I start missing him so much I feel it in my chest.  Sooo I stay busy, which is pretty easy to do considering my schedule.  Sigh.

“Ye flowers that drop, forsaken by the spring,
Ye birds that, left by summer, cease to sing,
Ye trees that fade, when Autumn heats remove,
Say, is not absence death to those who love?”
~Alexander Pope

I’ve got 15 mins before I need to leave for PT… so let’s see about how many updates I can write… onto more… happy…things:

• Went to LTC this past summer, fell in love with the Army, decided to join afterall.  I need to write an entire entry on LTC at some point…
• Going Guard SMP… already signed the contract for ROTC two or three weeks ago.
• Had an internship with Ben Nordmann Law Offices in Ft. Wayne over the summer — I love those guys.  It made me realize I will NEVER want to be a lawyer, though.  Way way way too much boring ass paperwork.  That’s all the job is — paperwork. 
• Started the IUPD pre-academy course stuff two weeks before school started — working part-time now as a cadet.  I will be certified after this coming summer.  I met Robin Williams last Wednesday for IUPD!!!!  I was his security guard.  Pretty f-ing awesome. 
• I live in an apartment — finally.  Bethany is my roomie and we’re working out great.  Woot Tulip Tree!
• I finally have my car here and am driving on a regular basis.  I heart my car.  Very reliable… drives well…aaand I resemble a cop.  Sweetness.
• Began taking Arabic — it’s going pretty well.  I pick up languages pretty easily.  I just wish I had time to learn like five before I graduate.  I’m really really contemplating going to grad school for NELC instead of law school.  I would be so much happier…..
• Joined the fire department!  Go Bloomington Township!  It’s a great facility — mostly all new stuff, lots of land… great training area.  The guys there are great.  And my recruit class is a lot of fun.  I’m very excited   I’m pretty much prepared for any disaster lol…. now all I need is EMT my super senior year.
• I’ve officially decided to stay a fifth year.  I need it for NELC and I can also become an EMT that year.
• Evan and I are still in love.  We’ve had some major bumps, but we’re okay.  Love is all that matters in the end.  It’ll help work out everything else.  No more promise rings — we put too much pressure on ourselves.  The promise is still the same, it’s just we don’t need to be wearing something for it.
• Brit and Greg and I are still best buds for life.  Yay! 
• I need to leave for PT soon… -_-
• ROTC started off pretty rocky — didn’t know anybody and I was a newbie trying to be a squad leader… felt a little out of place and intimidated.  Now, getting to make some friends… getting to know names… get along well with my squad… starting to like it. 
• Busy.  As. Hell.  Also in jui jitsu (sometimes lol), Internship with ILS bi-monthly (booorriiiing), and two other classes.  I’ll start taking more classes starting next semester.  Sigh.  Iiii don’t know how I”ll do it but I’ve really no choice.  BTFD, IUPD, and ROTC… soon to be SMP too, really take up a lot of my time. 
• The end!  PT.

I’m really afraid I broke us.  I felt it when we had sex last night… it’s like the love was gone.  I know he acts like everything’s okay.. he tells me that it’s only 30% okay… and I feel as if it’s 0% okay.  Mixed signals… I don’t know what he’s feeling or thinking.  I wish he would tell me… .I’m afraid he doesn’t want to confide in me anymore.  I’m afraid he may think he still loves me but it may just be that hanging-on feeling like I had with Brandon so long after he hurt me so badly.  Maybe Evan doesn’t want to let go, but emotionally already has.  I feel like he has.  And that makes me terrified and … sad.  Basically how I felt that one drunken night with him when I thought he didn’t love me anymore.  I feel like maybe he doesn’t realize it yet, but he has let go of me… and it’s broken.  And it’s my doing.  I don’t know what to do.  I’m on the verge of crying everytime I think about it and I can’t look at him and see the hurt in his eyes without wanting to cry.  I never f-ing cry.  I hate this.. I just want him back.  I don’t want to lose him… but what if I already have?  Part of me wants to prepare myself like I always do and crawl back into my shell so I’ll be okay if it happens because I’ll already be emotionally separated.  But everything I wrote about before… about our having meant to be together…. about my opening up to him… how can I do that if I think we’re broken?  I just want to talk to him… I want him to open up to me… although I have no right to ask and I wouldn’t open up to me if I were him.  I don’t see how we’ll fix this… I’ve got to have faith that we’ll be okay but I’m so fucking scared that we’re not going to be okay.  I should just shut up.  This is my fault.. he’s better off without me.  I’ll leave it in God’s hands…. there is nothing more I can do besides tell him I love him and hope he still loves me too.  In the meantime I can’t be thinking about this all the time and almost crying all the time — I’ve got too many responsibilities.  Here I am writing in this again when I’ve hours of homework due by 1700.  I can’t concentrate on anything — I just want Evan.  I feel like he’s going about his business without me and is hurt and doesn’t care or doesn’t want to confide in me or talk to me or see me — sure, he was excited to see me when I visited.  We also had sex too soon.  It was like we were caught in our usual  rhythm without remembering the situation we’re in.  If we hadn’t been in our rhythm, maybe he woudn’t have wanted to see me.  Maybe he can’t stand the sight of me.  I wouldn’t blame him… he’s being too easy on me.  I hurt him so badly and I love him so much — none of that makes any sense.  All I know is I would lose part of myself along with him if we split up for good.  I wouldn’t care about dating anybody… I’m sure I would eventually have sex again, but that’s all it would be.  I can’t see myself falling in love again… it would never be like it is …or was?….with Evan.  I’m so scared I don’t want to lose him…I love him so much.  I feel like I’m going to throw up.