October 24, 2009
So Evan and I had another fight today. I’m so depressed lately… it just keeps getting worse. I don’t give a shit about anything. I have a brand new computer, I got my shoes in the mail for my halloween costume, i got a new charm for my bracelet, midterms are over…. nothing. I don’t care. I didn’t go to work… I didn’t go to class… I didn’t go to fire dept. Just didn’t show up. I just don’t care. All I want to do is sleep. I don’t even care about eating anymore. It actually makes me sick to my stomach. I know the main source of my depression is Evan. When I went to the opera last night… the one fun thing that actually made me happy besides the little boy smiling at my being all decked out in soldier uniform… it was just ruined by him. I’m not happy. We just hurt each other. I’m so depressed. Maybe it’s all because of the distance. I miss him so much and I love him more than I’ve ever loved anyone… but it just doesn’t get any better.
I literally feel like my heart is breaking in two and I can barely swallow. I feel this actual pain in my chest and the urge to cry all the time. I’ve basically been crying all day. I cried so hard after we hung up I almost threw up. He was so mean to me. I know he’s hurt…. but it’s not the way to solve things. Regardless… I’m not made of stone. I can only fight for so long and I just… cracked. I had to hurry and hang up before he could tell that I was about to burst out crying.. and then he called back to tell me off for hanging up on him. I don’t even know what he said — I just put the phone down and screamed crying. I hadn’t cried that hard since Brandon told me he never loved me. I never thought.. I would feel that pain with Evan. And the whole thing wasn’t even that.. cruel.. it was just… I guess I love him so much that everything just overwhelmed me.
I can just see him reading this right now and saying the same thing over and over again and just not… quite..realizing. The problem is us. It never was anything or anyone else. I didn’t ask for a break because I was falling for another guy.,.our problems never started because of another guy. And they just keep getting worse because that’s all he wants to focus on. I’m mentally exhausted and my heart can’t take much more. I’m just so depressed. Now he’s not talking to me… whatever. It just makes things worse. Maybe this is how he felt. He’s just escalating things to the point he’s going to break us. I’m so….incredibly….hurt. I don’t trust him and he doesn’t trust me.
Things have been getting worse for months before anything that he keeps focusing on even happened. I don’t even know what to do for us anymore. I feel like I’m going to cry again. My eyes are so puffy and raw I don’t know how I even have tears left. Its to the point it literally stings if I cry anymore. I don’t like this. I remember my being single and independent and okay on my own — no male to ruin me. I don’t like loving someone this much — you put too much of yourself into him and just end up getting hurt. You always get hurt. If I broke up with him for good… I would heal. I would be back to myself again eventually and then never make the mistake of seriously dating anyone again. I’d go about my life… have a career that took over my life… and never have a family to worry about. Or if I stay with him.. I’d have love… but pain. Pain pain pain and more pain. I’ll cry more than I ever would alone. I’ll be hurt and depressed to the point i don’t care about anything again. I’ll wonder why my life has turned into this — how I could betray myself to allow such pain. But… i guess I wouldn’t be alone. Most of the time. Hopefully not.
I just see a future with Evan that used to look so bright and happy and loving with painting our new house together and making love next to a fire and long walks in the fall…. now it’s… fights. Him walking out and slamming the door. Me crying with the kids. Separation. Affairs. Screaming and yelling and the kids bursting into tears. Him throwing things and something hitting me or the kids. All I see is pain and anger and betrayal. Why would I want that for my future children? Or myself? Or anyone? It’s…exactly….how I grew up. It’s exactly. I raised myself because my parents screamed and yelled and threw things and my dad constantly slammed the door and walked out on my mother after a fight. Mother holding me and crying…. me crying and wondering where daddy went. I mean all that pain! Just thinking about it makes me fucking cry again. I’ve shut that away for so many years… my childhood was hell. And it’s exactly what I see happening with Evan.
Psychologists often say that a daughter from a divorced family finds a lover who resembles her father. Today, my father is great. Back then…. he was so cruel. Mother was just pathetic and couldn’t stand on her own two feet… it eventually made her mental illness worse. I was all alone… i would never… NEVER NEVER want that for my children!!! I was so fucking alone! I see things in Evan… that are so similar to my dad…. before i just saw good similarities but… now… after he’s shown how he can be after a fight… this is him. This is what it’s like to fight with Evan. And that is exactly what it was like with my dad. My god…. I can’t do this. No matter what love I feel… I can’t do that. I can’t have a child live like I lived. How can I just take a chance like that? And I’d lose a part of myself… fighting like that and constantly having him walk out on me… left with the kids to explain… crying and trying to not show it but the kids know anyway. The kids then go to their own room and cry into a giant stuffed rabbit and wonder what they did wrong. Blame it on themselves and hit themselves saying how stupid they are. Oh my god I’ve forgotten about so much shit that is just flooding back… I had forgotten that I used to hit myself really really hard in the head or the face when I was about 4 or 5. I would do it til I cried and then tell myself to shut up and quit being a baby. God… I hit myself because I saw dad hit mother. I did it til I cried because that’s what i saw that she did… and I told myself to shut up because mother always told me to shut up and quit being a baby when I cried. I was so…hurt. God. That’s not even.. a portion of it.
All that pain…. just living in me all these years. I honestly forgot about it I had repressed it so much and just the simple fact that Evan just wants to stop talking and “cool off” like my dad would always have to “cool off” made me remember those things. It was like I was little all over again.. I felt that pain… I cried hysterically. He was so cruel on the phone… if this is how he is now… …. years down the road when we have pressures of finances and bills and family and kids and all the other things that complicate marriage…. how much worse is that blow up going to be? This was NOTHING … NOTHING!! Compared to some struggles people have. Nothing! What if one of us were to be going through chemo… or one of us is deployed… or our child has a serious accident… anything that could trigger mixed emotions and hurt or anger…. how would he deal with more severe problems? We’re not even married. We have a long distance relationship. We just got off a break. We hardly ever see each other. We’ve only been dating a year. Everything is so simple and small right now… and these are the problems we’re having already. I don’t know what to do.