October 20, 2009
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Sigh.
Everytime I need Evan he’s not around. I know he can’t really help it… it’s the distance. But the fact remains I can’t confide in him about things when he’s not there to talk to. Like lately I’ve had a lot of shit weighing me down and we only talk for an hour max. It’s usually just about his work and my classes. Then he goes to sleep and forgets to call me before bed. Cause he falls asleep… and I get about three hours per night… but that’s beside the point. It’s just… whenever I’m having a bad day.. and really need him… he’s asleep or at work or busy. Mainly because of the long distance relationship. But he said before that he wants me to tell him things and open up to him, vice versa… well… how can I? He’s not around when I need him… so I continue to just sort out my own problems or happy things or what have you… and continue to build that wall between us. Continue to be self-sufficient to the point of being okay if I lost him. We lead completely separate, completely different lives. I don’t see the point of telling him things about my day or news or something good that’s happening half the time because he’s not there to experience it anyway. It’s like trying to relay a joke to someone who wasn’t there — you just don’t get it. It’s not as funny and it doesn’t mean as much. It’s simply impossible to open up in a long distance relationship. Like Adam and Bethany — they’re together everyday. They have a bad day — they talk about it right then and there. Adam’s there for Bethany when something’s wrong — vice versa. If something good happens, they are there to experience it together. With Evan and I…we never know when one of us is having a bad day or a good day and our conversations are so pointless and routine that there’s really no time or place for conversations of any depth or meaning. And even if there were, by the time we talk, I’m fine. I’ve resolved my own issues on my own again and didn’t need him afterall. Or I forget about that one funny thing that happened that day… or about the awesome thing that’s going to happen next week. What’s the point? So like I said.. continue to be fine alone. Living my life my way on my own… without him. He’s not a PART of my life in any significant way other than over the phone… I mean he’s not here! He’s not experiencing anything with me at all! It just continues to build the wall between us. How is this a relationship? And this whole questioning our relationship thing and back and forth shit is really getting old. I either want to be content in a normal relationship… or single. I love him – that’s why this just kills me.
