May 12, 2006

  • Have you ever felt like you're a 30 yr old trapped in a 17 yr old's body?  Or something of the sort.  I just want things to happen now.  Mainly talking about the whole mushy love stuff.  Yes.  *sigh*  that.  You know, it's funny.  I know I push guys... who are available away.  And guys whom are taken... I try for.  It's as if I subconsciously set it up to make sure I don't have anyone.  Or something.  I mean, not that I really mind right now.  I really don't.  High school, pssh.  What a joke.  Maybe I'm... you know, okay.  I always imagine falling in love... unexpectedly.  But if I'm always expecting to fall in love, how could it be unexpected?  I want to fall in love.  But doesn't everyone?  I want stability.  I want a serious... pee in front of each other... watching tv in pjs... eat breakfast after sex.... fighting over who's turn to let the dog out... serious relationship.  That's just my humorous spin on it, of course.  Bleh.  But not... now.  Because that's completely ridiculous.  So that's why I push guys away?  Hm.  I'm really not complaining.  I'm just trying to... figure things out.  And I suppose revealing my inner dialogue to the entire internet world helps me do that.  It's like I want to fast forward my life to... 10 years from now.  See what's going on.  I just hope it's something good.  I only want marriage if it really is love.  Not some... silly lust deal.  Well, duh.  Of course; that's what everyone wants.  ... okay well, most.  I wonder how I'll meet him.  College?  Work... maybe a patient of mine lol.  Or just.... chance meeting.  A friend of a friend.  Who knows.  God knows.  Hm.  So, if you could have the chance to find out when/if/where/etc. you'd meet your true love... and find out what happens... would you want to know?  I don't think I would.  So what is my question.  My question... I've been sitting here 3 minutes and I don't know what my question is.  Just those two words and a blinking cursor with ...nothing.  I'm confused.  I'm frustrated... I'm curious and gloomy...  Maybe when you're almost through with highschool, you start to think of these things.  Where's my life taking me?  Will I be happy?  I want to be happy.  I'd like to think that I can control that.  I'm afraid I'll push him away.  Someday... I'll chance upon something good.  Something really good.  And I'll push it away for... fear I'd be missing out on something better.  Or that it's not part of my destiny.  What is my destiny?  Again, I wouldnt' want to know anyway.  *sigh*  Useless rambling, really.  But I'm sure everyone thinks something like this sometime.  Just.. they don't post it on xanga lol.  Oh hell, this is too long for anyone to actually read anyway.  Hi!  You're not reading me!  I want to know what love is.  I guess.  But I don't want to... know now.  I want to wait... so when it happens, nothing will ruin it.  I keep searching for it... but I really shouldn't.  It'll come to me.  I keep thinking that I'm pushing the guy who could be Mr. Right away.  That I keep taking the wrong path.  You know, there is no wrong path.  It's... my path.  Whichever path I take is where I'd end up anyway.  I do believe in destiny.... I think.  Or... something like it.  I believe there is a supernatural force ... a presence over our lives.  I just don't know if it... controls our lives or not.  I think we control our lives.  But then that's a contradiction, isn't it?  Arg, why did I have to get into this philosophical stuff tonight.  I'm choosing what I want.  I'm choosing... where I'd like to end up.  I have an idea.  And that's where... my path kinda... scews to.  It may waver or go off track a bit.. but never too far off.  As long as I know what I want... and I do... then I'm on the right track.  Yeah.  I'm on the right track.   


    I think this might be my favorite quotation:


    "Time is what prevents everything from happening at once." - John Archibald Wheeler