February 10, 2007

  • Oh bleh.  I realize that I turn away every guy.. except the ones I know I can't get.. for whatever reason.  A seemingly kind guy will make the slightest flirtation and I just turn them off like some... disgusting creature trying to capture my attention.  Then a guy comes along whom I know will never be serious... nothing significant will ever come of it... buuut I fall for him anyway and end up hurt for the 30 thousandth time.  It doesn't even have to be the guy who hurts me... I just eventually come to my senses and realize, "Hey... this isn't going anywhere.  What the hell am I doing?"  again.  How am I ever going to meet a good guy if I keep turning them away?  I'm not even... remotely attracted to guys I could have.  I always want the ones who are unavailable for whatever reason.  Maybe he's older.. much older... maybe he's taken... maybe he is an attractive asshole... maybe he and my own personality just... don't simply match up at all, even if he is a nice guy.  Maybe the relationship would have to remain a secret... and other reasons.  Maybe he's none of those things, but something... just.. won't work.  And I know it.  I don't admit that to myself until I've already fallen for the guy... but inside I know it.  Then I realize I've done it to myself again.  Or I suppose I could be overreacting... I don't know.  I wish I didn't care.  Ugh.  At this rate, I'm going to be single forever.  I mean... I don't really care about that so much.  I just wish I'd quit turning away guys who would work out and embracing dead-end relationships.  ...if it even turns into an actual relationship to begin with.  -_-  *frustration*  Oh nice guy #1 asks me out on a date... but he's an easy catch.  How boring, right?  Guy #2 won't ask me out... he never will.  We'll just keep it a secret for a while until it fizzles.  But what do I do?  Sorry guy #1... I'm already highly infatuated over guy #2 and I won't give you a second thought.  ...except when I analyze the situation in my online journal, haha.  Yeah... OH WELL!!  :D :D   Weeeee....     

    "...God....damnit." - me..today... realizing I'm also a chicken on top of having a subconscious desire to destroy my love life.