May 2, 2007

  • wow.

                Ah, I'm tired.  Always tired.  The school year is almost over!  Finally.  I suppse it's high time I update. 

     

    Academics:

                Well, I have a giant research paper due for comp soon.  I work a lot, so it is difficult to find time to do anything.  I procrastinate, too… I pretty much detest school.  It stresses me out and makes me depressed.  Sigh, just one more month.  As for college, Brit is going to Purdue to study vet school and I’m going to IU to study psychology.  I’ll have a potluck room assignment.  Mm fun.  I hope my roommate and I end up good friends.. really good friends because I’ll be all alone.  I’ll either minor in human sexuality or human physiology… whatever I need for pre-med.  Sigh.  Wee math and science.  Maybe it won’t be as bad as I think.  I’m going to miss Brit.  ._.

     

    Social Life

                What social life?  I’m depressed all of the time and stressed out about so many things.  I’m just not much to be around.  I fucking hate school and college is somewhat tainted now because my best friend for seven years isn’t coming with me.  And Greg, good friend for 10 years, is moving to Ohio… not that we see each other much anyway, but still.  I don’t have a lot of friends, but I have a few good ones and they’re all leaving.  I just don’t know if I even care to make new ones or not.  That just seems so… stressful.  Sigh.  As for prom, I’m not going.  I honestly couldn’t care less.  No bf, but I like that.  In fact, the idea of guys hitting on me is fine, but the idea of anything serious turns me off.  I cringe and hide at the thought.  I think being single my whole life is morphing my views about a relationship.  I really… really.. don’t want one. 

     

    Work

                Wee work.  It takes up 90% of my time outside of the dreadful school day.  I don’t mind.  In fact, I love work…if it weren’t for school.  Applebee’s is awesome.  J  I actually enjoy being there a lot.  Whereas at home and school I’m pretty much miserable… especially school.  I’m still deciding if I will get a second job at pizza hut in the summer.  I want free time, but I have to pay for so many things.. meck.

     

    Home

                Home life is decent.  I just hate homework.  Nimo just had surgery for the second time.  She had another mammary tumor.  It was removed and she’s doing well… for almost $300.  YEP!  Well, she’s my baby and I love her to death.  J  But.. still.  How I love having zero help to pay for ANYTHING… my mom provides a house and food.  And in college, I have to pay for that!  HHAHAHA.  Weee supporting myself, getting a BS and then going to med school all by my fucking self.  I give up.  Oh, and I have another $80 a month for my cell phone and birth control.  My hair is falling out, I’m gaining weight but have no appetite, I never have a period anymore, and my acne is out of control.  Hopefully birth control Ortho Tri-cycline will cure that.  I have a feeling that is all from severe stress, but whatever.  I have to get a pap.  That should be FUN!  Yay!!  Oh, did I mention my dad is getting a lawyer to get out of paying child support once I go to college?  And that he’s trying to get out of paying 1/3 of my college?  Thanks, dad.

     

    Health

                I already mentioned my stress level, my excessive weight gain along with a loss of appetite.  Explain that.  My balding (more like extreme hair-thinning), my acne everywhere.. I chew gum to the point I bite a chunk out of my cheek, my hands tremble, my heart skips beats sometimes and I have heartburn everyday.  I just got over a pretty bad ulcer with medication, and I think I’m starting to get another one.  Besides that, I have an eye infection in my tear duct and one wisdom tooth is poking to the surface.  In other words, pain.  I realize I am constantly frowning, too.  I have to actually concentrate to stop, but then it just goes back that way when I’m not paying attention anymore.  I don’t know if I want to cry, scream, or sit and stare.  I just .. I’m just tired.  I just want to sleep and escape it all sometimes.  

     

    Money

                No clothes fit me.  I need to buy some.  I need to buy Baker, Wadkins, and Barber a gift.  I need to buy my five managers each a gift before I leave for college, plus treats for everyone else.  I need $80 a month at least for bills.  I have to buy a microwave, refrigerator, and clothes containers, bedding, school supplies for college.  I have to send $200 in for housing at some point.  I have to find a way to actually pay for college.  I don’t have a car unless I buy one myself… that whole thing fell through.  I’ll probably finally get a car when I graduate with my BS degree.  I’ll have to pay for food, toiletries, etc. in college.  I have get at LEAST a 3.8… preferably 3.9 or 4.0 to get into med school… 4.0 if I want to actually be able to pay for it.  I’ll have to work to pay for everything, but be a full-time student.  I’ll have to pay for a bus whenever I go anywhere.  I honestly don’t know how I’m going to do it, but I will.

     

    This is such a stressful time.  So… so… so many things are happening at once that would be stressful on its own.  I can’t even begin to write about everything because it’s just a waste of my time.  How long can I go like this without a breakdown of somesort?  This entry is just the tip of the iceberg, as Freud would say.  I would LOVE to have a therapist right now.  … but that costs money, and time, and transportation, and… .. yeah.

    The saddest part of it all is that I feel my youth slipping away.  I’m not going to prom, I’m not going to get anything for Graduation or have a Graduation party, I’m not having fun with my friends outside of school, I’m probably going to spend my entire summer working every chance I get, I’m having severe stress-related health problems because I’m trying to do everything on my own when so many things around me are falling apart.  And you know, a small of me wishes that I had those things.. like prom, time with friends, a graduation party… etc…. but then I realize how dumb it is to think of those juvenile things when I have much worse things to worry about.  I suppose it is a shame.  I’m 18 going on a 45 year old, poverty-stricken hostess who wants to be a psychiatrist.  Shit happens…  at least I had a good day at work.  .. oh, and apparently now I can’t have Nimo with me at college because Brandon isn’t taking her like he promised.  Wow…  I am really not liking my life.  I really want to cry.