April 10, 2009

  • meh

    Iiiii miss Evan.  And it hasn't even been a month since he left.  Another four years of this... fuuuck.  And you know it sucks that my parents are against him.  It was nice for a while when they were still for me dating him.  I knew it was only a matter of time -- especially with mother the psychotic bitch.  So fucking frustrating.  She so fucking insane.  ALL she does is create obstacles in my life, as if I'm not stressed out enough as it is.  Won't let me put insurance on MY car so I can go to my internship and work during the summer.  She doesn't have to pay for it... nothing.  She's the primary owner so, fuck me I guess.  I'll probably lose my internship because of her.  I have to run back and forth to the court house for Gloria and WELP I can't really do that on a bicycle.  I hate her.  WHY DOES SHE HAVE TO CONSTANTLY RUIN THINGS FOR ME?!?!??!  For 13 fucking years she has nonstop been in my way of achieving something.  Aren't parents supposed to HELP their kids succeed?  THANK GOD I got scholarships for college else I never would have gone.  And she hates my being out of her house and her not being able to control me.  I'm almost 21 years old and she is still trying to bring me down.  She has nonstop screamed at me and called me names since I was four years old.  I would go and cry in my room... until a half hour later she was happy again and tried to say how much she loved me and tried to hug me.  Then I got smart enough and old enough to realize, Gee, I wasn't a bad kid afterall, and started ignoring her ass whenever she'd go off on me again because I knew a half hour later she would be all happy again.  I join ballet as a kid and quit because she ends up nonstop fighting with the instructor.  Elementary school I join choir and end up being one of the TWO chosen to compete in Indianapolis.  But she doesn't let me go because I'm "too young"... yep too young to show how successful I am with singing.  SO i quit choir.  That makes her happy for a while.  Then comes middle school and I turn anorexic because she has been telling me how chubby I am for the past five years.  I join band in high school only to have her trying to never let me join and getting into fights with wadkins and barber and constantly on my ass about the practices.  I have to BEG her to drive me to band competittions every time.  She'd do this thing where she'd say she'd take me until a half hour before I have to be there, and oh... oh no she's busy.  "Find your own damn way."  She did that in middle school band as well... I ended up missing the Indianapolis ISSMA concert because she wouldn't let Brit's parents pick me up... when they were in the driveway... because she didn't think I needed to go.  That was a grade.  Oh and she made me quit back-up band for show choir because she made such a scene of herself.  Oh and tennis too.  She actually came storming through the halls when I was at a competition and said I was "nowhere to be found" and the principal was called down... I was pulled out of practice before the competition... all because she was claiming I was running away with brandon or some bullshit when I was at my goddamn tennis competition.  I'll bet she came storming into homestead halls... homestead lunches... homestead events... at least a dozen times each semester.  Each time guess what?!?!  I was where I was supposed to be.  Just because I was dating someone older than me she has to fucking go balistic and call the cops on us... OH OH and I try to sit outside one night.. on my fucking property... just ... getting away from her screaming and her bullshit.  What does she do?  Call the cops saying I'm running away.  ... YEP they get there and practically laugh.  I date Ben and what does she do?  Lock me out of the house.  I have to crawl through the window to get my work clothes so I can make it to applebees on time.  Oh, and when i get that job what does she do?  Call and threaten the managers when I have closing nights.  Make a scene in front of the entire restaurant multiple times.  I date Jeremiah, what does she do?  Lock me out of the house again... call me a slut... make more scenes at applebees... no let him on our property... YEP.  And now I'm dating Evan.. what does she do??? Not allow him to give me $20 car insurance for my car this summer so I can get to my internship and work.  Because it's "him" giving it to me.  EVERY single fucking opportunity I ever have she tries to destroy.  I'm so exhausted... I'm so sick of it... I hate her so much.  I just want to cry or scream half the time.  I'm so .. fucking.. SICK OF HER SHIT!!!!!  WHY can't I get away from it?!  I just want to be on my own!!!  So she can't control me anymore!  I can get a job and not have to worry about her ruining it for me!  I can get a restraining order against her and finally be free!!!  I won't have to be fucking attacked by her with a crowbar.  I won't have to be shoved against the room and hit and threatened and listen to her irrational bullshit!!!!  She can't even throw a decent punch the lame cow.  She's fucking insane and she doens't do anything about it.  And you know.... despite EVERYTHING!!!!  ... she's still my fucking mother.  And that just causes more problems on my end on trying to deal with it.  I'm so tired of it.