October 6, 2009

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    I'm really afraid I broke us.  I felt it when we had sex last night... it's like the love was gone.  I know he acts like everything's okay.. he tells me that it's only 30% okay... and I feel as if it's 0% okay.  Mixed signals... I don't know what he's feeling or thinking.  I wish he would tell me... .I'm afraid he doesn't want to confide in me anymore.  I'm afraid he may think he still loves me but it may just be that hanging-on feeling like I had with Brandon so long after he hurt me so badly.  Maybe Evan doesn't want to let go, but emotionally already has.  I feel like he has.  And that makes me terrified and ... sad.  Basically how I felt that one drunken night with him when I thought he didn't love me anymore.  I feel like maybe he doesn't realize it yet, but he has let go of me... and it's broken.  And it's my doing.  I don't know what to do.  I'm on the verge of crying everytime I think about it and I can't look at him and see the hurt in his eyes without wanting to cry.  I never f-ing cry.  I hate this.. I just want him back.  I don't want to lose him... but what if I already have?  Part of me wants to prepare myself like I always do and crawl back into my shell so I'll be okay if it happens because I'll already be emotionally separated.  But everything I wrote about before... about our having meant to be together.... about my opening up to him... how can I do that if I think we're broken?  I just want to talk to him... I want him to open up to me... although I have no right to ask and I wouldn't open up to me if I were him.  I don't see how we'll fix this... I've got to have faith that we'll be okay but I'm so fucking scared that we're not going to be okay.  I should just shut up.  This is my fault.. he's better off without me.  I'll leave it in God's hands.... there is nothing more I can do besides tell him I love him and hope he still loves me too.  In the meantime I can't be thinking about this all the time and almost crying all the time -- I've got too many responsibilities.  Here I am writing in this again when I've hours of homework due by 1700.  I can't concentrate on anything -- I just want Evan.  I feel like he's going about his business without me and is hurt and doesn't care or doesn't want to confide in me or talk to me or see me -- sure, he was excited to see me when I visited.  We also had sex too soon.  It was like we were caught in our usual  rhythm without remembering the situation we're in.  If we hadn't been in our rhythm, maybe he woudn't have wanted to see me.  Maybe he can't stand the sight of me.  I wouldn't blame him... he's being too easy on me.  I hurt him so badly and I love him so much -- none of that makes any sense.  All I know is I would lose part of myself along with him if we split up for good.  I wouldn't care about dating anybody... I'm sure I would eventually have sex again, but that's all it would be.  I can't see myself falling in love again... it would never be like it is ...or was?....with Evan.  I'm so scared I don't want to lose him...I love him so much.  I feel like I'm going to throw up.