I'm really afraid I broke us. I felt it when we had sex last night... it's like the love was gone. I know he acts like everything's okay.. he tells me that it's only 30% okay... and I feel as if it's 0% okay. Mixed signals... I don't know what he's feeling or thinking. I wish he would tell me... .I'm afraid he doesn't want to confide in me anymore. I'm afraid he may think he still loves me but it may just be that hanging-on feeling like I had with Brandon so long after he hurt me so badly. Maybe Evan doesn't want to let go, but emotionally already has. I feel like he has. And that makes me terrified and ... sad. Basically how I felt that one drunken night with him when I thought he didn't love me anymore. I feel like maybe he doesn't realize it yet, but he has let go of me... and it's broken. And it's my doing. I don't know what to do. I'm on the verge of crying everytime I think about it and I can't look at him and see the hurt in his eyes without wanting to cry. I never f-ing cry. I hate this.. I just want him back. I don't want to lose him... but what if I already have? Part of me wants to prepare myself like I always do and crawl back into my shell so I'll be okay if it happens because I'll already be emotionally separated. But everything I wrote about before... about our having meant to be together.... about my opening up to him... how can I do that if I think we're broken? I just want to talk to him... I want him to open up to me... although I have no right to ask and I wouldn't open up to me if I were him. I don't see how we'll fix this... I've got to have faith that we'll be okay but I'm so fucking scared that we're not going to be okay. I should just shut up. This is my fault.. he's better off without me. I'll leave it in God's hands.... there is nothing more I can do besides tell him I love him and hope he still loves me too. In the meantime I can't be thinking about this all the time and almost crying all the time -- I've got too many responsibilities. Here I am writing in this again when I've hours of homework due by 1700. I can't concentrate on anything -- I just want Evan. I feel like he's going about his business without me and is hurt and doesn't care or doesn't want to confide in me or talk to me or see me -- sure, he was excited to see me when I visited. We also had sex too soon. It was like we were caught in our usual rhythm without remembering the situation we're in. If we hadn't been in our rhythm, maybe he woudn't have wanted to see me. Maybe he can't stand the sight of me. I wouldn't blame him... he's being too easy on me. I hurt him so badly and I love him so much -- none of that makes any sense. All I know is I would lose part of myself along with him if we split up for good. I wouldn't care about dating anybody... I'm sure I would eventually have sex again, but that's all it would be. I can't see myself falling in love again... it would never be like it is ...or was?....with Evan. I'm so scared I don't want to lose him...I love him so much. I feel like I'm going to throw up.
I was excited, surprised, giddy, and curious.... maybe even cautious. So I called him. Nathan was in the room with me when I did... I think we were working on a P211 project. We talked for a while... tried to play catch-up... and decided to hang out over XMAS break. I see him soon after I get back... the instant... and I mean the INSTANT he walked through the front door xmas evening... yeah. Wow lol. For one, he was gorgeous. So... so... so handsome. More than I remembered. He had grown up into a gorgeous sexy man. Second, it was just this unexpected rising of excitement and giddiness taking over me. Very unexpected. That led to me jumping into him hugging him again and again lol.. just... SO happy to see him. I couldn't even really pinpoint why... it's not like I had been missing him really... and I wasn't that excited when he first got in touch with me on facebook.... Just...seeing him. I don't know. And seeing how he looked at me... I could just tell how much he adored me. Anyway, I think he and I went upstairs to talk or...something... gosh it's kinda a blur. At one point he went back out to his vehicle to grab his dog tags he wore in Iraq and said he wanted me to have them. That.... was.... the biggest clue lol... heeeee definitely cared for me a LOT.... I was ...not... expecting that either. I mean sure I thought maybe we'd still have a crush on each other, but... to give me those was a big deal. And he had a gift for me... which was underwear lol. It said "Property of a Marine" on the top. Minus the degrating "property" part of it, AHEM, it was very eh... presumptuous of him. But, I didn't mind. The whole time I was with him that day I was just in slight shock and constantly pleasantly surprised to the point of being... overwhelmed, really. He also confessed to me that he has liked me SINCE our two week little relationship in high school. He never got over me. That was very...very overwhelming, but not in a bad way...just... surprised. I really didn't know what to think. He was so much more mature, but still had the kid in him. So ... built and sexy... such a gentleman.... he had apparantly never gotten over me... the gifts... I mean everything lol. Wow. And we talked... and... you know all the emotions running through me and the excitement to see him and knowing how much he adored me and the fact that I still had something there for him... for me it was kinda like a what the hell, let's date. On his part... I know it meant a lot more at the time. It took me a while to come around.
Anyway... that shock sorta turned into a... "I want to jump him. Now." sort of attitude lol. Yeeeeah... SO... we ended up watching tv on the couch in the family room all night long... and eventually some touchy-feely-ness and extra kissing on his part took place. It was ....way too fast lol, BUT... it turned out to be just fine. With us it was fine. Really... really fine... I could see how... much he had...desired me for soooo long and I could see the relief and pleasure in his expressions and his eyes.. like he had been waiting for this for so long. And it wasn't horniness at all really.. it was like foreplay for making love. It was like two people who are deeply in love together... yet.. we hadn't communicated in two years. It sounds really skanky but... it just wasn't. It really wasn't. And we didn't go that far. SO anyway, we end up kissing until we fall asleep... And for the rest of the break, we are inseperatable. We fell in love... very quickly. I got closer to him each day we were together. When he left at the airport, it was a hard kick in the heart how hard it's going to be with a long distance relationship, but we're making it work.
From xmas break til spring break, the main thing was getting to know each other very well. Everything about us. I was wondering there for a while he was ever going to really... KNOW me. I'm complicated lol. But... he does. And I know him. And I adore everything about him... and it seems to be vice-versa. We are SO perfect for each other it's... amazing. You know my favorite movie, "What Dreams May Come" has been number one on my top 100 list for a long time.... and one of the main reasons it's up there is because of the incredible relationship the main characters have. They are so... completely... and openly in love. Not the sappy bullshit love... but the deep deep deep love they have for each other is so strong that even death cannot separate their connection. They aren't whole without each other. I've been wanting that my entire life. I've been wishing/praying for it my entire life... And that's ... how Evan and I are becoming. We're not.. quiiiite there. We're not married, we haven't lived together, we don't share children or a house... but as far as a boyfriend/girlfriend relationship goes... long distance or not... there is not a single couple who is closer than us. I am going to marry this guy... I'm going to be with him for the rest of my life... and I can't wait. 
Words cannot say how much I love him.
Ha, wow... yeah the love life section took up much more of this entry than I expected. heeeheeee.....
Academics:
I have five internships this year!! BWHAHAHAHA! Okay two are still not technically official, but eh... yeah I have them. hehehehe...
1. Indiana Legal Services: Bloomington, IN downtown
2. Army Leadership Traning Course: Fort Knox, Kentucky
3. Gloria Bolino, J.D.: Fort Wayne, IN (pending-ish)
4. Ben Nordmann Law Firm: Fort Wayne, IN
5. IUPD Cadet Program: Bloomington, IN (pending-ish)
hehehehehehehe. AND lots of volunteering. As for grades lol... well they're decent. I'm about a B student. Offically double majoring in psychology BA and near middle eastern studies BA. No minors... pre-law. I might go to law school here. Woot criminal law... or family... or both! Or even real estate. Still looking toward working for the FBI or CIA. More so FBI. In the process of networking for that.
Pets:
I have a tarantula I adoooore named Athena. She's cute. I got her solely to cure my arachnephobia. It worked lol. Shock therapy. Nathan and Andy are my witnesses! Calypso recently passed away... she was my favorite rat. Still have Circe... and Oleander is new. They are finicky but cute.
Health:
Hahahahahahahahhaa...aaah haha...ha....haha....yeeeeeah haha. hahaha. Ummm..... OKAY so. One ski injury, two bad bike injuries... and some precancer cells on my cervix. FUN! lol. My bike is trashed... I have to get it fixed sometime. I've had a concussion... split open head (not the skull thank God), though I do have a pretty decent scar. Lots and I mean LOTS LOTS LOTS of bruises. I looked friggin' hilarious. I guess that's what you get for tumbling twenty feet on asphalt.... damn skateboarders running a stop sign at night with dark clothing and no refectors or lights on them. I was on my racing bike with lights... going really f-ing fast downhill in the racing position on the lower bars and I saw him pull out in front of me and in an instant, I wake up on the ground. I don't remember crashing into them at all. Nothing. Coming into conscious and lying in a pool of your own blood.. I wasn't anywhere remotely near my bike. The blood was warm.. a very VERY strong iron-y smell... egh.. It's a little traumatic. I mean I hate weakness and I really played the whole thing off to not be a big deal but.. eeeh yeah I don't like to think about it. I woke up in a very ... twisted position all thrown about on the ground.... huge cut above my eye all poofy to the point I couldn't see very well out of it... I heard one guy screaming nonstop somewhere behind me... vaguely saw the guy above me frantically talking on the phone to paramedics or something and heard an ambulance in the distance... my blood was still... spilling out of my head.. The puddle was getting bigger as I watched it. Like a lot bigger. Pooling out of me.... I could smell it... it was thick on the ground... ruby red... warm. one of my nostrils was kind of in it and I had to raise it up a little because I couldn't breathe... I couldn't move my entire body. Maybe it was shock or something because my spine was fine. Holy fuck being a psych major...... I was analyzing immidiately what I had done. I was so...so fucking worried that I couldn't move. I remember shouting over and over to the guy above me that "I can't move... I CAN'T MOVE!!! I can't move I can't move my legs"... I just can't get that incredibly strong smell of blood out of my mind. And the warmth of it and feeling it pool under me... I had a really deep cut on my head from my helmet slicing into it and it just bled so much because the head is so vascular. But I didn't know that. I didn't know if I had cracked open my skull ... broken my spinal chord.. I was terrified. Absolutely fucking terrified. And you know I know I had pain.. I felt the biggest heartbeat pounding in my head you could imagine... especially when I barely tried to move my nostril out of the blood. Just that slight centimeter of movement was very... very difficult to do. It almost knocked me back out. But the pain itself I didn't really... feel I guess you could say. I mean I had some.. but I just wasn't thinking about it and the endorphins were helping too... I was just really...scared. Anyway out of fear and it was my brain's way of dealing with it or just because of my injuries, I blacked out again. Next thing I know I vaguely remember paramedics putting me on a stretcher... they put me in a neck brace in case I had spine injuries and put me in the ambulance. I remember saying "my bike! my bike!" and wouldn't shut up until I saw it next to me in the ambulance lol. I actually turned my head to check to make sure it was there regardless of the pain I was in. The female paramedic kept trying to keep me talking. I told her that I may have an occipital lobe injury and kept going on and on about psych stuff... she got the impression I was premed, which I corrected later in the hospital when she came to visit me. I was just babbling... I really didn't have control of it. It was like part of me was babbling and trying to answer her questions, making sense or not... and the other half of me was thinking clearly..ish... in my head about my injuries. I keep slightly blacking in and out of consciousness.... next thing I remember I'm lying on the stretcher in the hallway of the hosptial... it seems pretty busy. I was like in this half dream stage at all times. You know when you're not fully awake and in the process of falling asleep? Dreaming and reality seem to combine? That? Yeah.. that what I was in.... One minute I'd be having sensible thoughts and the next other things were making it like a dream.... then some nurses came by and gave me an IV of dilaudid, which woke me up. I kept saying "what are you doing?! what are you doing!!!!" eye-ing that IV needle lol. God I hate IVs. A random lady came by to hold my hand while they gave it to me. She was nice. Then I was knocked out by the drugs... I kinda remember coming into consciousness for the MRI....once I was already inside it lol. A little disconcerting... And I remember the nurses trying to get me to sit up for ...something.... an x-ray maybe? Yeah I don't even know.... it was all really ... fuzzy. Then I was in the hospital room... the drugs started wearing off a bit and I don't even remember when I realized Andy was there. Apparantly I talked to Evan on the phone.. I ...don't really remember that. He was the one who got Andy there Stitches sucked... The docs gave me two more bags of IVs.... then Nathan Mensah came to pick up Andy and I... and my bike lol. Aaand Andy spent the night with me to keep an eye on me and I passed out. Woke up with lots of blood on my pillow wee. I was out of it for the rest of the night.
SO that's that for the main injury. The separated shoulder was pretty bad too... Nathan Haffner (and Phil Thompson) was there with me for that. That brought Nathan and I closer as friends I think.
Anyhoo.. I can't concentrate very well talking on the phone with Evan and writing, so this is good enough for now
Quote of the day by Evan Wilson: "Never look back because you might miss what's in front of you."
Hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm *scratches chin*
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