Graduation was cool!  I got lots of pictures... wore new black pinstripped capri pants with black high heeled sandals and a polka dot tube top... listened to "running against the wind" on the way there.  Olive Garden between the rehearsal and actual ceremony... yeep!  Dad, Mom, and Debbie were there. Yep yep   I still have to get those photos developed..

OLD ENTRY:

Prom is this Saturday!  I wasn't going to go until 3am last Saturday!  Sam Hatlem amd I were talking online, found out we both didn't have a date, and he asked me.  Kevin gave me Saturday off work on short notice.  I heart Kevin!  I have a really pretty dress.  I'm wearing cheap pearl earrings and ancient real pearls from my great grandmother.  I have a hair appointment set up already.. in two days!  Ha.  I really love my dress. it's actually something like I"ve always wanted -- an 1800's look.  Brit is going with Greg.  I called him up on monday lunch half hour and got them hooked up.  Then greg called eddie merlots, so we have reservations at 7pm.  We set this up in two days haha.  Brit, Greg, Sam, and I will go to dinner... then after prom we're going to Susan's bonfire.  Then Greg and I will head back to Brit's.  I promised I'd stop by Applebee's beforehand and get a picture with some people.. mainly Kevin!    Yay senior prom!    hehe!

Yeah okay really old entry lol.

            Ah, I'm tired.  Always tired.  The school year is almost over!  Finally.  I suppse it's high time I update. 

Academics:

            Well, I have a giant research paper due for comp soon.  I work a lot, so it is difficult to find time to do anything.  I procrastinate, too… I pretty much detest school.  It stresses me out and makes me depressed.  Sigh, just one more month.  As for college, Brit is going to Purdue to study vet school and I’m going to IU to study psychology.  I’ll have a potluck room assignment.  Mm fun.  I hope my roommate and I end up good friends.. really good friends because I’ll be all alone.  I’ll either minor in human sexuality or human physiology… whatever I need for pre-med.  Sigh.  Wee math and science.  Maybe it won’t be as bad as I think.  I’m going to miss Brit.  ._.

Social Life

            What social life?  I’m depressed all of the time and stressed out about so many things.  I’m just not much to be around.  I fucking hate school and college is somewhat tainted now because my best friend for seven years isn’t coming with me.  And Greg, good friend for 10 years, is moving to Ohio… not that we see each other much anyway, but still.  I don’t have a lot of friends, but I have a few good ones and they’re all leaving.  I just don’t know if I even care to make new ones or not.  That just seems so… stressful.  Sigh.  As for prom, I’m not going.  I honestly couldn’t care less.  No bf, but I like that.  In fact, the idea of guys hitting on me is fine, but the idea of anything serious turns me off.  I cringe and hide at the thought.  I think being single my whole life is morphing my views about a relationship.  I really… really.. don’t want one. 

Work

            Wee work.  It takes up 90% of my time outside of the dreadful school day.  I don’t mind.  In fact, I love work…if it weren’t for school.  Applebee’s is awesome.  J  I actually enjoy being there a lot.  Whereas at home and school I’m pretty much miserable… especially school.  I’m still deciding if I will get a second job at pizza hut in the summer.  I want free time, but I have to pay for so many things.. meck.

Home

            Home life is decent.  I just hate homework.  Nimo just had surgery for the second time.  She had another mammary tumor.  It was removed and she’s doing well… for almost $300.  YEP!  Well, she’s my baby and I love her to death.  J  But.. still.  How I love having zero help to pay for ANYTHING… my mom provides a house and food.  And in college, I have to pay for that!  HHAHAHA.  Weee supporting myself, getting a BS and then going to med school all by my fucking self.  I give up.  Oh, and I have another $80 a month for my cell phone and birth control.  My hair is falling out, I’m gaining weight but have no appetite, I never have a period anymore, and my acne is out of control.  Hopefully birth control Ortho Tri-cycline will cure that.  I have a feeling that is all from severe stress, but whatever.  I have to get a pap.  That should be FUN!  Yay!!  Oh, did I mention my dad is getting a lawyer to get out of paying child support once I go to college?  And that he’s trying to get out of paying 1/3 of my college?  Thanks, dad.

Health

            I already mentioned my stress level, my excessive weight gain along with a loss of appetite.  Explain that.  My balding (more like extreme hair-thinning), my acne everywhere.. I chew gum to the point I bite a chunk out of my cheek, my hands tremble, my heart skips beats sometimes and I have heartburn everyday.  I just got over a pretty bad ulcer with medication, and I think I’m starting to get another one.  Besides that, I have an eye infection in my tear duct and one wisdom tooth is poking to the surface.  In other words, pain.  I realize I am constantly frowning, too.  I have to actually concentrate to stop, but then it just goes back that way when I’m not paying attention anymore.  I don’t know if I want to cry, scream, or sit and stare.  I just .. I’m just tired.  I just want to sleep and escape it all sometimes.  

Money

            No clothes fit me.  I need to buy some.  I need to buy Baker, Wadkins, and Barber a gift.  I need to buy my five managers each a gift before I leave for college, plus treats for everyone else.  I need $80 a month at least for bills.  I have to buy a microwave, refrigerator, and clothes containers, bedding, school supplies for college.  I have to send $200 in for housing at some point.  I have to find a way to actually pay for college.  I don’t have a car unless I buy one myself… that whole thing fell through.  I’ll probably finally get a car when I graduate with my BS degree.  I’ll have to pay for food, toiletries, etc. in college.  I have get at LEAST a 3.8… preferably 3.9 or 4.0 to get into med school… 4.0 if I want to actually be able to pay for it.  I’ll have to work to pay for everything, but be a full-time student.  I’ll have to pay for a bus whenever I go anywhere.  I honestly don’t know how I’m going to do it, but I will.

This is such a stressful time.  So… so… so many things are happening at once that would be stressful on its own.  I can’t even begin to write about everything because it’s just a waste of my time.  How long can I go like this without a breakdown of somesort?  This entry is just the tip of the iceberg, as Freud would say.  I would LOVE to have a therapist right now.  … but that costs money, and time, and transportation, and… .. yeah.

The saddest part of it all is that I feel my youth slipping away.  I’m not going to prom, I’m not going to get anything for Graduation or have a Graduation party, I’m not having fun with my friends outside of school, I’m probably going to spend my entire summer working every chance I get, I’m having severe stress-related health problems because I’m trying to do everything on my own when so many things around me are falling apart.  And you know, a small of me wishes that I had those things.. like prom, time with friends, a graduation party… etc…. but then I realize how dumb it is to think of those juvenile things when I have much worse things to worry about.  I suppose it is a shame.  I’m 18 going on a 45 year old, poverty-stricken hostess who wants to be a psychiatrist.  Shit happens…  at least I had a good day at work.  .. oh, and apparently now I can’t have Nimo with me at college because Brandon isn’t taking her like he promised.  Wow…  I am really not liking my life.  I really want to cry.

Your Existing Situation
Needs warm companionship, but is intolerant of anything short of special consideration from those close to her. If this is not forthcoming, is liable to shut herself away from them.

Your Stress Sources
Resilience and tenacity have become weakened. Feels overtaxed, worn out, and getting nowhere, but continues to stand her ground. She feels this adverse situation as an actual tangible pressure which is intolerable to her and from which she wants to escape, but she feels unable to make the necessary decision.

Your Restrained Characteristics
Egocentric and therefore quick to take offense. Able to achieve satisfaction through sexual activity but tends to hold aloof emotionally.
 
Your Desired Objective
Her need to feel more causative and to have a wider sphere of influence makes her restless and she is driven by her desires and hopes. May try to spread her activities over too wide a field.

Your Actual Problem
The tensions induced by trying to cope with conditions which are really beyond her capabilities, or reserves of strength, have led to considerable anxiety and a sense of personal (but unadmitted) inadequacy. She reacts by seeking outside confirmation of her ability and value in order to bolster her self-esteem. Anxiously searching for solutions and prone to compulsive inhibitions and compulsive desires. The fear that she may be prevented from achieving the things she wants leads her into a relentless search for satisfaction in the pursuit of illusory or meaningless activities.

Well, the objective isn't... really... what I want.  I just want love and success.    The rest though... ha.  Yeah.  It's pretty vague... so I can understand how many people would say this is "creepy" because it's so true.  But it is still pretty accurate.  I'll give it that.

"I'm 18!" - Lou to Emily lol

(you're reading this just because of the title, aren't you...)  I have a theory.  Lesbians became lesbians because they realized every male in the world is a JERK!    lol, okay... so why is it that guys seem to think cheating is okay?  I don't quite grasp that idea.  ...and then think it strange when you want to call it quits because you just found out he's taken.  MMM yeah.  Okay.  ... forget it!!! lol, i SO give up.  honestly.  I have worst fucking luck on the planet when it comes to males.  and lol... I don't quite understand why, but i don't care anymore.  All hail lesbians!!!  I understand you. 

PS  No, I'm not a lesbian now. 

Oh bleh.  I realize that I turn away every guy.. except the ones I know I can't get.. for whatever reason.  A seemingly kind guy will make the slightest flirtation and I just turn them off like some... disgusting creature trying to capture my attention.  Then a guy comes along whom I know will never be serious... nothing significant will ever come of it... buuut I fall for him anyway and end up hurt for the 30 thousandth time.  It doesn't even have to be the guy who hurts me... I just eventually come to my senses and realize, "Hey... this isn't going anywhere.  What the hell am I doing?"  again.  How am I ever going to meet a good guy if I keep turning them away?  I'm not even... remotely attracted to guys I could have.  I always want the ones who are unavailable for whatever reason.  Maybe he's older.. much older... maybe he's taken... maybe he is an attractive asshole... maybe he and my own personality just... don't simply match up at all, even if he is a nice guy.  Maybe the relationship would have to remain a secret... and other reasons.  Maybe he's none of those things, but something... just.. won't work.  And I know it.  I don't admit that to myself until I've already fallen for the guy... but inside I know it.  Then I realize I've done it to myself again.  Or I suppose I could be overreacting... I don't know.  I wish I didn't care.  Ugh.  At this rate, I'm going to be single forever.  I mean... I don't really care about that so much.  I just wish I'd quit turning away guys who would work out and embracing dead-end relationships.  ...if it even turns into an actual relationship to begin with.  -_-  *frustration*  Oh nice guy #1 asks me out on a date... but he's an easy catch.  How boring, right?  Guy #2 won't ask me out... he never will.  We'll just keep it a secret for a while until it fizzles.  But what do I do?  Sorry guy #1... I'm already highly infatuated over guy #2 and I won't give you a second thought.  ...except when I analyze the situation in my online journal, haha.  Yeah... OH WELL!!    Weeeee....     

"...God....damnit." - me..today... realizing I'm also a chicken on top of having a subconscious desire to destroy my love life.

Okay, I haven't written in a while!  I'll post a public and a private.  Updates!! 

Job:  I LOVE working at Applebee's.  Jacob and I are even getting along better since he is off alcohol and switching to enormous amounts of coffee.  He's.. humorous!  lol.  Adam and I have a little bit of uncomfy tension since he declined going out on a date at the last minute, but we still get along well.  He was worried about our working relationship, so that's okay.  Danielle has moved to serving... Jacob will move to serving soon... Jessica P is moving to carside... so it's just Emily (yay emily!!  teehee), Ashley (wee ashley!), Adam, and Anne.  Anne and I are kind of becoming friends, too.  We work together a lot and we're a lot alike in our views of everyday life situations...  Sooo anyway, that means more hours and more money!  Yaay.   

Family:  My aunt and I write emails to each other.  The time between each keeps increasing, though.  Oh well.  My mom and I don't get along very well.  My dad and I just keep in touch.  My grandma and I hardly ever see each other.  It's not so bad.  Hm.

Relationships:  Ooooh the new crush continues as long-time fires fizzle.

School:  GET ME OUT!!  I'm SO sick of high school.  I want college.  I'll admit I'm a little anxious about it, but I can't wait!    I think I'm back to the idea of majoring in psychology.  I think I should just stick to what I've always planned to do.  Maybe med psychiatry school won't be as bad as I think...  I'll probably double major in English/psychology until I'm sure.  Other than that, I went to the IPFW Tristate Honor Band thing.  Ooooh my God it was amazing.  I was part of the Wind Orchestra.  We played.. sooo well.  Our conductor was hilarious!  I loved it.  Francesca and I had fun hanging out, too.    I'll remember those days for a long time, I hope.  I'm supposed to be part of the Honor Band this year... but yeah.  I don't think that's going to happen.  That's okay.

Okay.. now the rest is private!  Bwahaha you can't read it. 

Yay!!  I work at Applebee's!  Hehe. 

My first day was this past Saturday.  I just had to watch a bunch of cheesy dvds with Emily (who is also training.. she goes to Homestead.)  We'll work together a lot.  I've made a pal already! 

Other than that... I've reeeeally got to pee!  So this was very short lol.

"Do you sweaer to tell your version of the truth as you perceive it, clouded perhaps by the passage of time and preconceived notions?" - S. Harris  (a comic making fun of eye-witness testimonies hehe)

     Well, I'm too lazy to type up a diary entry, soo.... yeah I'll just use my email to Brandon lol.  Yay it works!

     I woke up this morning to find the menu halfway up, frozen on my phone.  Yay crappy cell phone!  So it is definitely dead now.  I officially do not have a cell phone anymore.  My dad gave me money to buy a new one.. enough for a Razr (YES!! )  Buuut, neither my mom nor my dad are out of contract, so.. I don't know how I'll get one.  Siiiigh.  It costs more money to change my mom's.  So poop.  My dad's is done in January.  Maybe then I can get a phone.  Really sucks not to have a cell phone... I'm so... not keeping up with the world of electronics lol.  Dial-up internet, (Oh, by the way.  GUESS WHAT IS SAYING "ERROR" AGAIN?!?!  HEHEHEHEHE!!!!  ....) no cell phone, no car, no laptop, no fancy hand-held devices, old version of nintendo, older gameboy, no phone in my room that works, old stereo player, non-working alarm clock.... but at least i have an mp3 player!  Just not an ipod lol.  Siiiiigh.  It's not so bad.  I just want a cell phone.  I have the money!  ... that's half of it!  lol.  Wish me luck that my mom can renew her contract without adding too much money on the monthly payment.  Too much as in.. a dollar?  lol.  *sigh*... 

      Hm I forgot my psychology book at home.  I didn't study for the past two tests... no, three tests that we've had.  It em... shows too lol.  I really meant to study for this one!  Arg.  Easy A and I have a... well actually I haven't a clue what I have.  I still have an f-ing D+ in physics because he only has ... I think two or three assignments listed.  We've done.. oh gosh.  Three lab reports since then and one homework assignment.  ... !!!!  And midterms are coming up.  In fact, I think they've already happened.  ... yay!!!  WEEEE!!!  D+!!!  Just because of that f-ing test.  I'm pissed.  Speaking of physics, Crum was gone today so we had a sub.  He was probably mid 20's.. maybe late 20's.  Not an attractive guy, to say the least.  I mean... he wasn't grotesque, but I just don't want to be mean so I'll stop there lol.  ...He was staring at me the whole class period.  Looking me uuuup and down when he was getting attendance.  I mean how obvious.  Then he proceeded to stalk me when I printed out my homework.  Was it really necessary to grab the phone.. which is on the other side of the room from where I was sitting... and walk it allll the way over to me so that he could talk to me while calling in attendance?  Hm.  Nope.  Don't think so.  He had an ulterior motive to learn the physics of my body.  Ass... I mean, isn't it a little desperate to hit on your students?  *cringe*

     In other news, Thanksgiving was interesting.  I was at my own house (with AWESOME food) with Grandma and my mom until 5... then walked over to my dad's house and stayed til around 8.  My grandpa was there.  He didn't have much to say.. just that it was a shame he didn't get to know me.  Like.. "oop, too late now.  see ya!"  ... just kinda weird.  But he was nice so... oh well.  And my half sister whom I haven't seen in 10 years was there.  I remember her being so skinny and tall.  She's a bit more hefty now.  ... well, she's probably about a size 10?  Maybe pushing a 12.  I'm in a loose 6, so I suppose that's not a big deal for some people.  But anyway, besides her looks, she just.. acts kinda.. below my intelligence level.  I'm not being arrogant, but.. you know.  She didn't go to college and she lives in a trailor in Muncie lol.  Yeeeeah.  We'll keep in touch now, though.  I emailed her.. have yet to hear from her.  Hm.  Ooooh well. 

     K I suppose that's all for my entry.  ... yay I finally wrote something!  lol.  Yep bye.

"Shelbi loves walls." - Lori today in physics hahahahaha. 

Well, today has been a pretty crappy day.  Yep.  My mom already agreed that I could go to my dad's for Thanksgiving, right?  I was all happy... thinking I was going to see many of the relatives whom I haven't seen for many years.  But today, she said that she never agreed to that.  Aaand got all pissed and said I was a "traitor" for wanting to leave her.  The day went on... she continued yelling... I still don't know if it is resolved.  Oh happy day.

Other than that, I think I missed some questions (i hope not!) on the Strunk/White test.  I.... thought them over in my mind when I got home and yep, I think I know what I should have put... ah well, I believe I shall receive a good grade regardless.

I worked on physics today... that's about it when it comes to accomplishing something.  I didn't understand Section Review E nor the pg. 147 questions.  *sigh*.. I'm going to switch to regular physics next semester.  I think I can do that.  I hope I can...  I just need to get at least a B- after my final this semester!!!!  Wish me lots of luck!  Lots.... of luck.  LOTS of luck.  ... lots!!  lol

I think I'm going to paint my nails black again.  I haven't had the time for the past... monthish.  Yay blackness!  Muaha...

So, for english, we have to do this damn.. courage essay contest.  Pick a leader and write how awesome he/she is.  ...I'm so tempted to do Hitler.  haha.  Imagine the reactions!!  ... *evil smile*

Hmm... I had a quote that made fun of this ... incredibly ignorant girl in my physics class.  HOWEVER I can't think of it right now.  Poo.

**note to self**

get toyota scholarship form in student services
IU Groups interview monday at 8am
print out/deliver Butler counselor form
stay after school for psych. quiz