October 29, 2009
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Thoughts….
I should be studying for fire dept, but I have too much on my mind right now. And it’s about relationship stuff… as usual…
If I allow myself to fall too deeply for another guy before i give evan and i a chance, I would always wonder what if. and I do love him. every relationship has problems.. especially when you only see each other a few times per year.
I just. don’t. know. i’ve had many second thoughts about evan and if he’s “the one” but when we’re together it’s great. .. but then again whenever we’re together, all it is is quality time… so we never experience anything remotely close to normal bf gf relationship. though.. if he was the one and i gave it all up because I know how completely in love with me he is.. i..could possibly screw up the rest of my life. and I do love him too. however… if the problems we have is not JUST from the distance and I just can’t tell right now BECAUSE of the very fact that we are in a long distance relationship and that’s what I blame everything on… then moving on would be the best thing. and I see other opportunities of being with someone else… of it being very compatible and it could definitely turn into something great… but then again… I can’t just wonder “what if” about any great guy i ever meet in the future.
and when I say problems… i mean the fact that, in normal circumstances of a long distance relationship, you find yourself becoming interested in other people. cheating may result. You never see the one you love.. lonely, human nature.. what have you. Other problems would be you just don’t know each other. I mean.. for one thing, I know evan and I haven’t honestly had time to get to know each other. How could we? We never see each other. Our entire relationship is over the phone. We never hang out.. we never do anything together… and we only talk about an hour per day if we’re lucky. We have completely different lives… I mean lol. What is our relationship based on? The fact that we knew each other in high school doesn’t really mean shit because I know I for one have changed a GREAT deal since then and I believe he has too. So… it’s like online dating or something. I mean how can you say you love a stranger. Granted, he’s not a stranger. We do know a lot about each other… so much that that is one of the reasons I would not want to give up on us because he does know so much about me. It’s comforting. I suppose it only took ten months though… But anyway.
I think I’m scared that if I did just say… okay… we need to stop. We need to stop dating each other. It’s unhealthy. Sure, he’s moving to Chicago soon. That’s still long distance. It’s a hell of a lot better… but still long distance. We still can’t hang out… do things together… experience each other’s lives… know what it’s like to be around each other for long periods of time. Besides becoming interested in other people… we haven’t even fought. There’s nothing to fight about lol. All of our time together is quality time… we try to make the most of it. So we have no f-ing idea what it’s like to date each other. Really. No idea. If we were together like normal couples… who knows what it would be like. I really don’t know and neither does he.
So how can we say we are so deeply in love with each other? I do love him. I’ll always love him. But… it’s like a blind love. Kind of an ignorant love. I care about him deeply but I have no idea what it’d be like to date him in a normal relationship. He doesn’t know what it’s like with me either. We don’t even have a history of dating normally before the long distance. Our relationship BEGAN with long distance. It’s just an impossible situation…
How can we say that we are the one for each other? How can we say we’re not though? We can’t say either one. For one thing, you’ll never know that answer no matter what kind of relationship you’re in. But… you can definitely have a better idea than basing it off talking on the phone and seeing each other a few times per year. So… why should we continue like this? Our relationship will be long distance for the next four years. FOUR YEARS. In that time, he and I are living in blind hope that we will get along great and everything will be wonderful once we have a normal relationship.
What if four years from now we finally get to experience a normal relationship and we can’t stand it. Four years… of misery… missing each other… having all this pain… giving up opportunities to be with someone else who might be “the one”… for nothing. Or, four years from now we might end up perfect for each other… but all the pain and problems of long distance will have made each other hate each other by then and we don’t even want to try it out. Or… we struggle through these four years in blind hope and end up perfect for each other and live happily ever after. That’s a really… big… if.
I’m 21 yrs old. I don’t want kids for another 9 or 10 years if ever. I want to focus on my career… experience some fun… not be tied down to something that’s such a big if!! I love him and he shouldn’t be tieing himself down to such a big if, either. Maybe we will end up married someday.. but why even have this long distance relationship in the meantime? it’s not a normal relationship. And we don’t even know if we will work out. We have absolutely nothing to base it on.
But I don’t want to hurt him.. and i don’t want to lose him completely if we are meant to be together someday. I just wish I could explain this to him somehow for him to understand it. I feel like if we continue on like we are, we will destroy our chances of ever being together. Four. Years. Of this. Seeing him a couple of times per month will help… but it’s not enough to base the rest of your life on! I mean i might as well figure I’m going to marry him if I spend the next four years of my young years taken with someone I hardly ever see. It’s like I’m deciding to be married… right now. I’m 21. No. I just… want him to understand. I’m afraid he’ll just be angry and not get it and just keep trying to win me back. That’s completely not the point. Sigh.
If we were together in person… things could be so much different. But the fact is we’re not. And although I do think we would be great together in person in a normal relationship…. waiting four years to find out is not practical. I love him so much… so so so much. And that’s why I don’t want things to mess up for us if we did have a chance in the future. I also love myself… and need to take care of myself… and right now I’m not happy. I need to know that he and I are meant to be together if I commit myself to him like that. And right now I don’t know that. I would always wonder “what if”… and maybe ten years down the road in marriage it would show. And I don’t want that. I want to be young and experience normal dating like you’re supposed to before you ever decide to get married and settle down. Four years of blind faith is not healthy for any relationship to ever have a chance.
